


You Might Just Like It

by alittlebitcloser



Series: You Might Just Like It [1]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Lesbian AU, New York lesbians amirite, Recreational Drug Use, fake relationship au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:41:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24825487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlebitcloser/pseuds/alittlebitcloser
Summary: “Come on, New York. Show me your lesbians.” She muttered to herself as she moved the age range up a little on her settings with a smirk playing about her lips. It wouldn’t hurt if the girls saw that she had scored someone older and accomplished.Jan browsed like she was in a store buying a new outfit, trying to find her best fit. She had to remind herself that she didn’t necessarily need to find them attractive, but figured it wouldn’t hurt if she could fake date someone hot. That felt like self-care in a very stressful situation.****When Jan gets sick of her loved-up friendship group of lesbians getting onto her for being single, she puts her foot in it and is suddenly in need of a fake girlfriend.
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd, Jackie Cox/Jan Sport, Nicky Doll/Jaida Essence Hall
Series: You Might Just Like It [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1913161
Comments: 174
Kudos: 184





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There was a gap in the market for a Jan/Jackie fake relationship fic and I am absolutely here to fill it. 
> 
> Literally my first fic I've ever posted but writing it has felt like such a welcome breath of fresh air.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr alittle-bitcloser.tumblr.com!

Jan stared at her screen and let out a breath she didn’t realise she had been holding. Her group chat with her friends was making her phone buzz a million times a minute all because she had impulsively said:

_Guys, get off my backkkkk! For your information I ACTUALLY AM SEEING SOMEONE and you can book us a double room!! Can’t wait for you to meet her! 💜_

Jaida and Nicky were getting married. It was due to be the event of the year at a beautiful hotel in The Hamptons - as if their model asses would ever settle for anything less. All of her friends were shacked up and in love. It had started with moving in together, getting cat babies (fucking lesbians) and now there was the first wedding. They made Jan feel as though she was woefully behind, but she had auditions up and down New York City and wasn’t about to lose her momentum all for the sake of getting a girlfriend. She was twenty six and had plenty of time to settle down later. Jan had been single since college when her heart had been brutally shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. From that moment on, the blonde had thrown herself into an MFA in Musical Theatre at Boston Conservatory instead of throwing herself into any other women. Casting directors were the only ones who could break her heart now and she liked it that way.

She sighed as she flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder and bit her lip. Gigi and Crystal were freaking the fuck out and were using dumb reaction pictures of their cat Tic Tac looking shocked. Nicky was trying to facetime her. She threw her phone to the end of her bed and it landed onto her fluffy throw with a dim thud as she groaned into her pillow.

****

Ten blocks away in a pre-war building that definitely needed a little work, Jackie kicked off her shoes and made quick work of taking off her clothes. She lived alone in her studio apartment and enjoyed the freedom of walking through the whole place naked as she delicately padded to the bathroom to wash the day away. Her twelve hour shift at the hospital had been gruelling and she relished how her rose scented shampoo lathered in her dark curls, washing the residue of stress and urgency away from her body.

The traffic was loud on the streets below and that was one thing Jackie loved about Manhattan - it felt alive. It made her feel a part of something even as she slumped down onto her couch with ramen noodles and an episode of _The Real Housewives_ \- yes, shut up, she had trash taste in television and after an intense day she just wanted to let the mindless drama of rich people go right over her head. She loved her brickwork apartment and had gotten extremely lucky with the price considering it was in the heart of Hell’s Kitchen. Jackie didn’t care that she could hear the pipes creak at all hours or that there were imperfections in the state of the off white walls and ceilings - she had made it home with little touches like candles and a mandala wall tapestry with fairy-lights strewn around it. It wasn’t to everyone’s tastes, but it was quintessentially Jackie.

Chelsea had been the one to make her a dating profile. Jackie adored her best friend with her entire being, but she found far too much enjoyment in meddling in Jackie’s non-existent love life. This wasn’t for lack of trying - apparently women got unhappy when you cancelled dates due to one of your patients having a heart attack and then again when a frail and kind lady had no visitors. As Jackie had put the finishing touches to her lipstick, she had felt guilt coursing through her about the sweet little lady whose family was out of state and would be going into her fourth night without company whilst the surrounding beds had the gentle comfort of family members huddled around them.That was how Jackie had cancelled on a red head from Brooklyn in favour of playing scrabble with a patient who reminded her of her mother - but she would never admit that.

The women Jackie had been on dates with didn’t seem keen on the chaotic schedule that came with being a doctor. They wanted the constancy that came with a 9-5 day job where you could meet them after work for drinks on a Friday, not the exhaustion that weighed on Jackie’s shoulders after things had taken a turn for the worst. A bad day as a doctor was very different to a bad day at the office. Some days, Jackie could smell death on her when she left and felt the bitter salt of a families’ tears on her tongue. She wanted someone who would pull her in, enveloping her in floral perfume and light laughter, someone who would make the heaviness in her chest feel light again. Instead, she found dead-end dates and perfume that was too sharp for her nose, which was why she had all but given up on the idea of looking for love.

So that was why, when she heard the familiar ding of her dating app, she had initially ignored it.

****

Jan had a hot bath and put on her soft nightie before lighting a candle that filled the room with sweet honeycomb. She needed to be calm if she was going to figure this shitshow out. Her roommates had been absolutely no help. Rosé had scream laughed at her situation and ran off to the kitchen to tell Lagoona who simply smirked and said, “You better find a girlfriend and you better find her fast."

There was one particular idea that was playing on her mind, but she needed dutch courage to do it. Dating apps were absolutely not her thing, but this was for the greater good, right? This was to make her look like she was on the same wavelength as her friends, like she could be browsing Ikea for houseplants while hand in hand with a nameless woman. All she wanted was to impress them for one weekend and then they could all go back home and she could phase the relationship out with an amicable and boring break up story. _Easy._

Now all she had to do was find ‘the one’. Jan braided her damp hair as she quietly deliberated what traits she would want in a fake girlfriend, and after a disgusting shot of tequila - without any lime or salt - she finally felt ready to make up a quick profile. Her sheets were freshly washed and she let herself sink into them with a dreamy sigh as the gentle lavender provided relief from the sharp burn of the shot Rosé had given to her.

“Come on, New York. Show me your lesbians.” She muttered to herself as she moved the age range up a little on her settings with a smirk playing about her lips. It wouldn’t hurt if the girls saw that she had scored someone older and accomplished.

Jan browsed like she was in a store buying a new outfit, trying to find her best fit. She had to remind herself that she didn’t necessarily need to find them attractive, but figured it wouldn’t hurt if she could fake date someone hot. That felt like self-care in a very stressful situation. She was close to turning in for the night and hoping that the morning would bring her more luck when- _Oh._

Jackie Cox. She was 34 and a doctor. _The girls would never expect this._ She had dark curls and a cheeky glint in her eye, and Jan figured she definitely wouldn’t mind trusting this woman with her life. She flicked through the photos and saw that Jackie’s default setting seemed to be laughter. In every photo she looked to be on the edge of a soft giggle or in the midst of throwing her head back in hilarity. Something felt right about this.

_**Jan:** _

_Hey!! So...I have an *~odd request~* but I feel like you don’t look like an axe murderer and I’d be safe to ask you. Lol, is that a really weird thing to say? Whatever, so my friends are getting married and they’re all shacked up and annoying. They’re desperate for me to ‘settle down’ and I MAY have told them I need a double room for the wedding weekend…_

_This is where someone (you?!?) comes in and helps me!! Would you like to be my fake girlfriend for the weekend of July 10th-12th???_ _You get a free weekend in the Hamptons and lots of wedding food and booze!! I get this is so weird!! Lol!!_

_But seriously if you want to say no, that’s TOTALLY FINE BECAUSE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME_

****

The evening had passed calmly enough, and the lingering smell of incense coaxed Jackie to bed. She picked up her phone and hurriedly swiped away a few notifications before she came across a series of messages from a new name. Nobody ever double-messaged on a dating app, nevermind triple-messaged. Jan, 26, must have something pretty important to say. Before reading, however, Jackie couldn’t help sneaking a look at her profile. She gently bit her lip as she indulged herself in the photos of the pretty and peppy blonde with a clear penance for purple. The bio read a simple, _Get into it, gorg 💜_ , which Jackie snorted at when she read it.

Her amused grin turned into utter shock when she read through Jan’s request. She had to read it again, just to be sure she wasn’t imagining things. It had been sent two hours ago and she had a good mind to ignore it, but felt a gentle tug of responsibility when she read the part about the stranger feeling safe enough to ask her this. She wondered if Jan spoke as excitedly as she typed, and something about her bright eyes and beaming smile made her bet that she did.

_**Jackie:** _

_Oh wow. Wow. You’ve got yourself into quite the situation…_

Jackie wasn’t sure how to begin. Surely she couldn’t do this. It sounded complex, messy and would be the most spontaneous thing she had done in years. It was no secret that she was burnt out and bored of the cyclical motion of life at the moment. Don’t get her wrong, Jackie loved her work and no day was the same, but then she came home with only her brickwork for company. Her building wouldn’t allow animals but she had considered sneaking a stray cat in more times than she could count. A cat wouldn’t complain about her being in bed by ten on a Friday night but, quite honestly, she wanted company that would listen and talk back to her. Jackie had stories and she loved to tell them. She had grown up listening to her father telling stories before bed and she had that same gift that made people listen. When she lived with Monét and Chelsea, things felt a little easier, but life changes and you can’t live with your friends like you’re in college forever. Jackie sighed gently as a small ping broke her from her reverie.

_**Jan:** _

_OMG YOU ACTUALLY REPLIED!!_

_I thought you would read it, think I was crazy and immediately block me hahahahha_

_Also if you haven’t worked it out, I’m literally a quadruple texter - no shame gorg!_

Oh, this girl was confident. From these few messages, Jackie had concluded that Jan was confident, fun and, quite frankly, fucking ridiculous for this whole proposition. However, instead of typing out a kind apology and well wishes for Jan to find the right woman for the job, she was checking her diary and how many holidays she had left to take. Everyone at work was practically begging her to take a vacation, but Jackie never saw the point in them if she was to go alone. The Hamptons was only an hour or so upstate and maybe she could indulge in the idea of a relationship for a couple of days. It also didn’t hurt that Jan was gorgeous.

_**Jackie:** _

_Of course I replied! This is possibly the most exciting message I’ve ever gotten on a dating app so congratulations you’re a winner!_

_But seriously, I just want to know a few things: 1. What makes you think I’m safe and not a deadly serial killer? 2. How many outfits would I need to pack? 3. You saw I’m a little older than you right? Or is that your thing?_

Jackie was decidedly not thinking as she typed and she never did that. Before heading into any unfamiliar situation, Jackie was the type of woman who ran through every pro, con, and outcome there was. That’s what made her so good at her job. This time, though, she had a blindfold on and was simply trusting wherever Jan would lead her.

_**Jan:** _

_SSDILFUO ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU’RE CONSIDERING IT?! MY HERO??_

_Wow okay I got really excited but let me answer your questions!! You’re a doctor and there’s that goofy photo of you in your scrubs that I’m taking as proof of that - if people are trusting you with their lives I don’t think you’re about to take mine?!! Enough for a cute dinner on the Friday night, a fancy ass wedding on the Saturday, and then a (wildly hungover) brunch before leaving on Sunday_

_Aaaaaandddd don’t laugh but I figured it would look impressive if I scored an older woman?? And YOU’RE A DOCTOR! They’d be so shook!! And I SUPPOSE I like someone a little older. Sue me._

_So...you in??_

**Jackie:**

_I can’t argue with any of those answers, and I’m pretty flattered you think people would be ‘shook’ by me?! Lucky for you, I like a blonde damsel in distress who is in desperate need for my help..._

_In all seriousness - I’m not giving a definite yes just yet though, let’s get a coffee first and talk it through?_

Jackie felt nervous as she sent that first playful, even flirtatious response and it had been a long time since she got excited over messaging someone like this. She realised she was grinning widely at her phone as she watched the little bubbles that signified Jan was typing and immediately tried to stop, silently warning herself: _Get a grip, you goddamn lesbian. This would be a matter of convenience and a little spontaneous fun. Nothing else._

****

Jan was more than impressed with herself. She had all but secured a fake girlfriend who was 34, a doctor, and seemed to easily bounce off whatever she said with responses that made her anticipate the next time her phone would vibrate. She liked that they hadn’t been scared off. Jan knew she could be a lot, even just online. She definitely over-used exclamation marks, she was as loud sober as she was drunk, and she had an infectious energy that people either loved or hated. This was why she didn’t even make herself ‘more chill’ when it came to meeting someone online. If they couldn’t handle her there, they definitely couldn’t handle her in real life

She tightened her ponytail that was secured with a velvet scrunchie before pondering Jackie’s profile one more time, scoffing a laugh at the ridiculous photo of her in full scrubs and throwing up a Star Trek ‘live long and prosper’ pose that Jan definitely had to google. She’d assumed Jackie had gotten the peace sign all wrong. Seeing that Jackie was a nerd just made her fit the bill even more - her friends were an eclectic bunch of artsy types and anyone too cool would surely make them suspicious. When her phone pinged again, Jan squealed at the reply and earned a knock on the wall from Lagoona who had an early shift in the morning. She momentarily cringed, making a mental note to buy her flatmate’s favourite snacks on her way home from her audition the next day, but quickly shrugged it off for now as she swiftly typed a response to Jackie.

_**Jan:** _

_OMG TEAAAA I AM DEFINITELY IN DISTRESS BUT I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I’M NEVER A DAMSEL JACQUELINE_

_Yes coffee!! Not to be a total stalker but dating apps say how far away we are loooool and you aren’t far at all_

_St Kilda’s if you know it?? Coffee place on 44th?_

Jan would be lying if she said she wasn’t thrilled when the response was instantaneous.

_**Jackie:** _

_Hell’s Kitchen represent ;) And I do know it. I have a shift on Sunday at 12, so let’s say 10?_

**_Jan:_ **

_It’s a deal!! AAAAAA And you know, even if you just listen and say no like... I just wanna say thank you so much for giving it a chance Jackie._

_**Jackie:** _

_No worries, Jan. See you then!_

****

Jackie put her phone away for the night with an excitable buzz about her chest, and immediately grabbed her laptop. She hummed to herself as she went onto her work portal and used some of her remaining holidays to book the weekend of Friday 10th to Sunday 12th July off work.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls meet for coffee and we get to see a few more friends along the way as they get ready for Nicky and Jaida's wedding weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little overwhelmed by the lovely feedback I've received on this and it has been such a confidence booster during a hard time! I'm so so happy that this can bring others joy as writing it is definitely bringing me joy!!! Eeeeeeek
> 
> I particularly want to thank my absolute favourite (Halfofwhatyouare is her username on here. I'm too much of an Old to know how to link it) who has given me endless encouragement and has been THE best Judy. So go check out her work too pls
> 
> As always, find me on tumblr at alittle-bitcloser and say hello!

On Sunday morning, Jan was early to St Kilda’s and had secured herself and Jackie a table. She tapped her manicured, lilac tipped fingernails against the wooden surface and eyed her cold brew nervously. She knew she had no reason to be anxious, but there was a yearning in her stomach for this to work out exactly as she had planned it. Jan was a perfectionist, no less, and when things fell flat she had a short fuse. 

Jan kept her eyes on the door and they brightened immediately when she recognised Jackie, who came in wearing a light bomber jacket and a small maroon backpack. Jan gave her a little excitable wave as the older woman returned her smile with kind eyes and gestured over to the counter before she strolled over to make her order. Jan found that she was fixated on the way Jackie’s soft, brunette ponytail cascaded down her back as she listened for her drink of choice. She liked to guess things about people, whether it was their star sign or their coffee order, and would do this with strangers whenever she felt bored. She pouted to herself when she got Jackie wrong, assuming she would be all about fresh filtered coffee, when she instead opted for a chai latte. 

“I thought you would be a serious coffee kinda girl,” Jan mused in lieu of a greeting when Jackie sat down with her drink. She was met with a grin and the kind of obnoxious but endearing laugh you could pick out in a group.

“Just because I do night shifts, does _not_ mean I’m one of those black coffee puritans,” Jackie shrugged, talking easily as she took Jan in. “Sometimes I get an iced coffee as a treat and it gives me the shakes - I am _pathetic.”_

Jan was everything Jackie had expected, but her photos didn’t do justice to how expressive her face was when she spoke or how her eyes told the whole story before her mouth did. Her hair flowed like silk over her pale shoulders that peeked out from her bardot style crop top, and her long, light waves fell in intricate shapes. This coffee meet-up (neither of them would call it a ‘date’) felt like a test. It was like a screen test that actors did before they played a couple on television, and that was essentially what they were doing. Their audience would be the other guests at the wedding, and more importantly, Jan’s friends. Jackie wasn’t stupid, and she knew that their chemistry would have to be convincing if this was ever going to work.

****

The conversation flowed between the two women easier than they could have imagined, and a comfortable familiarity already seemed present despite the fact they were practically strangers. Jan ordered them a blueberry muffin and cut it in half, while she set herself a silent challenge to get at least _one_ thing right about Jackie before she had to leave for work. She couldn’t fathom why it meant so much to her, but her competitive edge wanted to get a handle on the woman opposite.

“Are you a taurus?”

“Aries, but you were close enough.”

“Damn, I’m so bad at reading you! You just seem to have that practical, kinda responsible air about you.” She gestured vaguely in Jackie’s direction, noting that she always looked incredibly smug when Jan seemed anything less than articulate. 

“What about you?”

“I’m a gemini-”

Jackie made a face of distaste and swallowed her drink with a shake of her head. “Oh, Jan. We better be careful then. I don’t think I get along with your kind,” She jibed, tongue between her teeth as she smiled teasingly.

“Jackie! We geminis are _deeply misunderstood_ and full of duality,” Jan argued playfully, bringing a hand to her chest in mock offence. “I thought you were better than that.”

Jan didn’t mention that aries and gemini were listed as being a match on all of the websites she had traipsed through whenever she hadn’t been able to sleep, or that she was the kind of girl who knew that. She also knew that it was silly to feel dissatisfied and irritated about getting these little facts wrong about Jackie, but soon felt restored when the woman all but moaned as she bit into the blueberry muffin and expressed that it was her favourite kind.

****

“Okay, so…” Jan began awkwardly, aware that they had been blissfully chatting for almost forty five minutes straight and neither of them had actually addressed the real purpose of their meeting. “I think it’s safe to say we get along. I really think this plan could work, Jackie.”

Jackie watched the younger girl’s eyes fill with hope and she bit her lip, giving her a pointed look before she responded: “If I say yes to this, we’re going to have to basically study each other, you know. We can’t go into this knowing nothing apart from our star signs and coffee orders.” 

There was something about Jackie’s stare that was intimidating. Jan felt as though she could see right through her skin and down to her bones, but the feeling settled into her body and warmed her through. She felt comfortable under her scrutiny.

“As you wish, a Jan Sport crash course is coming your way! I’m twenty six, but you knew that. Obviously. I grew up across the river in New Jersey, went to an all girls catholic school and got a serious case of heteronormativity and catholic guilt - which ended in fake boyfriends and a lot of crying,” Jan touched on the more sensitive things with a lightness, cloaked in a high-pitched giggle of nostalgia that’s thankful she has left it all behind her. “Lucky for me, I got a _very_ expensive theatre degree in Boston and made friends with a bunch of queers you will hopefully be meeting. Now I audition for anything I can get my hands on, I do private voice lessons and run a childrens’ choir to pay the rent. Oh, and one time I was in a show off-off... _off-_ Broadway.”

Jackie nodded slowly, glancing down at her drink and then back up to Jan’s face as the polished ‘femme princess’ image before her became this three dimensional person with history, hobbies and a heart.

“A kids’ choir?” She pressed, with humour in her irises, and her eyebrows raised.

“We sing songs from like...Disney and The Seussical. It’s actually pretty fun.” 

“And if your show was _that_ off-Broadway - Are you sure it wasn’t back in New Jersey?”

Jan’s mouth dropped in sheer shock and pleasure at Jackie’s quick humour, seeing the older woman’s face light up at her reaction. Despite deciding that she rather liked Jackie’s infectious smile, she childishly pouted and refused to give her the satisfaction of a response. Instead, she bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from laughing and gently gestured towards her as if to say, _it’s your turn._

“Oh, my turn? Okay. You know I’m thirty four, you know I’m called Jackie and you know I’m a doctor. I work at New York-Presbytarian in Lower Manhattan. I’m half Persian, half Canadian - so I like to say I’m ‘Canad-Iranian’,” For the first time Jackie seemed bashful, almost self conscious as she let out a small awkward laugh and did air quotes around the name she gave to her hybrid identity. “I grew up in Canada, snuck out to Pride parades and hid feather boas and rainbow flags from my Middle Eastern mom. Who always found them, might I add. New York seemed to be somewhere I could feel free and I found a home here pretty quickly.” 

Jan noticed how quickly Jackie moved on from the mention of her parents, seeming more comfortable to tell her about her move to New York instead of delving into a past that was clearly rife with hiding and suffocation. She didn’t press it, giving her an encouraging smile and a gentle nod, like she would to the children in choir when they felt too shy to sing on their first day. All this time, Jackie had felt like the one who had been guiding the conversation, leading this dance between them, but Jan graciously took that responsibility when she faltered and the cracks in her voice seemed to need filling in.

“I found home in my best friends - Chelsea and Monét - and I found home in a place where I could hang my feather boa up instead of putting it away,” Jackie added, seeming to have regained her confidence in her words. 

“That’s...really touching, Jackie.” She replied softly, not having the heart to joke over anything she had said. “It’s not the same, but I understand the feeling of New York being a haven where you’ve never had to hide. Back home it’s like people know the you ‘before you’re gay’ and then the you ‘after you’re gay’. Here you can just...be.”

There was a pause where an empathetic silence washed over them, and something shifted in the air as Jackie cocked her head to the side decisively. Something about her expression made an unexpected swarm of butterflies come to life in Jan’s stomach as she anticipated her next words.

“I’ll do it.” 

****

Jackie sighed, knowing that she had to leave if she was going to make it to work on time, but this wasn’t before Jan gasped as if she’d had an epiphany. As Jackie stood, she quirked an eyebrow at the wide eyed blonde.

“One more thing, before you leave! I think we’re gonna need nicknames.” 

“Nicknames?” Jackie laughed despite herself, utterly bemused by the suggestion.

“It can’t be too formal! There has to be the sense that we’re...intimate. I think I’d call you babe. Maybe Jacks, yeah that’s cute.” Jan mused softly in thought, eyes narrowed while she looked at Jackie as if to scrutinise what pet names would suit her. 

“There is no possible way for me to make the name _Jan_ any shorter.” She snorted, rolling her eyes without malice.

“Then just pick a pet name!”

“That’s not really me. Let’s go with... _Jannifer_.” Jackie tested the name in her mouth and seemed satisfied, smirking at the incredulous look on Jan’s face as she pulled her jacket on and checked her watch. “I think it suits you. Goodbye, Jannifer. Jannie? Jannifer? I’ll text you.”

Those were the words she left her with, and she let herself smile even though Jan could no longer see her.

****

That night, Jan was buzzing with excitement for her plan, for _their_ plan, for _hers and Jackie’s_ plan to come to fruition. It had already begun when they had planted the seed on her Instagram story. Jackie had been the one to suggest it, that they should begin to drop hints and set the story up. Jan’s mischievous streak was enthralled as she took a photo of her, adding a purple heart emoji and a filter before posting it. Of course, the replies had been instant.

 ** _thegigigoode:_** _Is this her?!_

 ** _jaidaehall:_** _We are CALLING YOU LATER_

 ** _crystalmethyd:_** _Lllllesssbiannssss! Lesbian alert!_

 **_thenickydoll:_ ** _she’s HOT!_ _👏_ _JANICE!_ _👏_

Jan had snickered conspiratorially at her phone and turned it around smugly to show Jackie. 

“Hook, line and sinker. Good idea, partner.” She had said, and giddily stamped her heeled boots on the floor.

Jan was snapped out of her thoughts by the sound of Nicky facetiming her. Even though the call came from just Nicky, she knew she would be greeted by Jaida too. Jaida lived in upstate New York because she preferred to have the space while the city was still easily accessible to her. After only living apart for six months after graduating, Nicky had gladly packed up her apartment in Union Square to follow her there. They had met back in Boston where Nicky studied fashion and Jaida did politics. Their paths crossed by accident when the art and fashion students needed models for their projects. Nicky picked Jaida everytime and the rest was history. Jan had only ever known them as a unit. She chuckled as she accepted the call, grinning widely at the couple on her screen who were sitting together on their sofa, talking over each other.

“Finally! Jan-”

“No, no, Jaida, me first! _Janice!_ Where is your lady?!” Nicky demanded, having snatched the phone from her fiancée who simply continued to drink her wine but watched attentively from behind the blonde.

“We don’t live in each other’s pockets, Nicky, she’s working.” Jan sounded smug and dreamy, full of pride as she put on an act that she might have been enjoying a little too much. It was time to get her money’s worth from her college degree. “She’s a _doctor.”_

“You know they can make _money_ , right?! Your little Broadway dreams will be well and truly supported with that kinda sugar-mama situation!” Jaida couldn’t resist putting in her two cents, and Nicky clinked their glasses together with an added “cha-ching, bitch!”, which made Jan roll her eyes in amusement. 

“I’m not a gold-digger, and she isn’t my sugar-mama!” She insisted through shrill giggles, her voice ever so slightly desperate. “Her name is Jackie, and she’s just very nice.”

“She’s ‘just very nice’? She’s _hot._ ” Nicky snapped back, clicking her fingers at Jan through the screen. “I have to admit, I’m impressed. We didn’t think you had it in you to get an older woman.”

“Yeah, she right.” Jaida easily admitted, smirking into her wine glass and taking the last of the drink in one gulp before leaning against Nicky’s shoulder.

“Wow. I’m so touched to hear you guys have such faith in me.” Jan deadpanned, cocking her head at them with a raised eyebrow before continuing. “It’s not that I haven’t been able to get a date all this time, I’ve just chosen not to. Until now.”

“She must be pretty special, no? For you to have given her a chance?” Nicky pressed gently, the mocking spark in her eyes being replaced with something more supportive. She had a talent for mocking her friends relentlessly, but she also enjoyed nothing more than being a cheerleader for them. That, and Nicky _loved_ love.

“Y-Yeah. I guess she is.” Jan faltered at first, caught off guard by the sincere question, but quickly pulled herself together and plastered a smile onto her face. She had to admit, Nicky wasn’t wrong. Only a special kind of person would trust Jan enough to let her pull them into a situation this insane. 

“I know we make fun, but we’re actually proud of you baby,” Jaida took the phone from Nicky so Jan could only see her face. “Chile, we’ve waited long enough and you best believe we’ll be making sure she’s good enough for you.”

Jan gulped, filled with a rush of affection for her friends and a rush of fear for poor Jackie who would be getting sized up by them. Jaida and Nicky could be pretty intimidating if they wanted to be. But, then again, Jan couldn’t think of a single thing they would complain about. Her worries for Jackie dissipated into the air as she began to listen to Jaida filling her in on what time Crystal and Gigi would be flying in from LA. 

****

Throughout the week, Jackie and Jan had been texting non-stop about the impending wedding weekend, sharing information and quirks about themselves that only a significant other would know. Jan grew up with a dog called Rosie, but calls her Miffy instead. She loved Indian food. She had a once a month ritual of watching _Rent_ and crying into a tub of ice cream that usually coincided with her period. Jackie was storing these facts delicately into a folder named ‘Jan’ in her head. Slowly, and then all at once, the folder had turned into an actual filing cabinet that was threatening to overflow inside her mind.

Jackie was curled up on Chelsea’s sofa nursing a hot chocolate, and her friend was twisting a strand of her pink and blonde hair around her finger whilst staring at her with bemused eyes, shaking her head.

“What?” Jackie demanded, looking up from her phone. _“What?”_

“Is that her? Making you smile like a dopey idiot?”

“No. Yes. I’m not ‘smiling like a dopey idiot’, we just get along. We’re going on this weird adventure as fake girlfriends in The Hamptons so we have things to prepare!” Her voice was high pitched and it broke slightly on the word ‘girlfriends’ as she defended herself, feeling protective of her decisions. Maybe even a little protective of Jan.

“Jackie.” Chelsea’s eyes softened as she sighed her name, sensing that she should change her approach. “I’ve been pushing you on dates for literally two years since your last break up and _this_ is the most excited I’ve seen you get about any of them. You know this isn’t a real thing, right?”

“I _know_ , Chelsea.” Jackie scoffed, dismissing her with a wave of her hand. “I love you, and I know you’re just being my sister and taking care of me, but of course I know this isn’t real. I know what I agreed to do. It’s just _fun._ This is the most fun I’ve had in so fucking long.”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” She warned fiercely, biting down hard on the inside of her cheek to stop herself from asking if _it_ was fun, or if _Jan_ was fun. She hoped her stare came off as somewhat intimidating before she relaxed her expression. “But, I admit, it’s nice to see you loosen up and have fun. Even if it is a fucked-up idea of fun.”

“I’m a big girl, Chels.” Jackie replied to her with a fond gaze, appreciating the protectiveness of her friend that she had truly taken for granted ever since moving to New York City. She reached over and gave Chelsea’s hand a small squeeze, hoping it would somehow communicate the depth of how much she cherished her, before deftly steering the conversation away and making sure it wasn’t touched on for the rest of the night.

****

It was the middle of the week and Jackie had managed to leave work on time for once. It was still light, and she was immediately welcomed by the humidity of a Summer evening in Manhattan, cloaked in the sounds of obnoxious sirens and beeping horns. She put her headphones in, slung her jacket over her shoulder and let the sun soak into her skin on her short walk to Fulton Street Station. The ride home on the C train wasn’t long, only nine stops and fifteen minutes, but she loved to finally get off her feet and let the motions lull her into a gentle nap until the alert for Port Authority warned that her stop was next. 

Recently, though, her new favourite thing about getting the subway home was that when she came up the stairs from 50th Street Station in Hell’s Kitchen, her phone would regain signal and buzz to life with Jan’s messages.

**_Jan:_ **

_Time for class Jackieee! Are you done with work?_

_Let’s play LOVE LANGUAGES_

_Remember from the link I sent you lastnight!!_

**_Jackie:_ **

_I’m just walking home from the station and then I’ll take the quiz, be patient Jannifer!_

**_Jan:_ **

_I already know mine! SO to be the best fake girlfriend to me you have to give me words of affirmation and physical touch allllll weekend_ _👸👸👸_

**_Jackie:_ **

_Physical touch huh? Are you coming onto me, Jan?_

**_Jan:_ **

_Saldjaljdlkj QUIET JACQUELINE I WAS JOKING_

_Couples just know these things so we should know them! Now tell me what you got!!_  
**_Jackie:_ **

_Quality time and acts of service. So I like undivided attention and people who SHOW that they care for me with actions. That sounds accurate! You’ve got your instructions for making me happy now, Jan, are you satisfied?_ _😉_

**_Jan:_ **

_I am EXTREMELY satisfied!!_

_I’m taking you on a weekend away which is lots of quality time AND I bought your favourite muffin when we went for coffee - YAY I’M THE BEST FAKE GIRLFRIEND EVER_ _💜👭_

This was a habit they had fallen into. The original intention of these conversations were that they were to be about learning and preparation, but sometimes it stumbled into other things. It fell into their shared love of musical theatre where they sent voice notes back and forth of them singing parts from _Rent_ and, more embarrassingly, _High School Musical._ Jan had all but inundated Jackie with what felt like a million messages of keyboard smashes once they realised that they had a shared guilty pleasure in _The Great British Bake-Off._

Despite this, neither of them had gained the confidence to actually call the other, and Jackie often woke in the middle of the night with her phone pressed against her cheek where she had fallen asleep midway through a text to Jan. This particular night, she blinked and squinted with a yawn, checking the time on the screen. _04:17._ She had just under two hours before she had to wake up again.

She checked the last message from Jan, plugged her phone in and fell asleep with a smile. It had simply read: 

_You fell asleep? I’m not surprised, you had a long one!! Night babe!!_ _💜_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The façade begins as the girls reach The Hamptons.
> 
> Here we arrive for the wedding, meet Jan's college friends and go out to dinner with them!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still suuuuper flattered by the lovely responses this fic has been getting! It makes me nervous as I don't want to disappoint you guys aaaaaah! Thank you for everyone who reads and comments, it's so lovely and makes my heart all warm.
> 
> As always, there has been welcome encouragement and help from my best Judy who sat there and thought up the outfits mentioned in this chapter (and beyond this chapter)! She is halfofwhatyouare, so go and check her out! Give me a follow or a message or anything on Tumblr at alittle-bitcloser.

They met at Penn Station, just before eleven, on the Friday of Nicky and Jaida’s wedding weekend. Jackie had packed her bags three nights earlier both from her tendency to be over-prepared and her anticipation of what the weekend would bring. As she approached the Dunkin Donuts they had arranged to meet outside of, Jackie spotted Jan right away. After worrying a little over what she would think of seeing her so dressed down - in no make up, patterned harem pants and a plain tee shirt - she was relieved to see that the blonde had kept her promise of dressing ‘comfortably’ for the train so that they could freshen up when they arrived. She was wearing grey sweatpants with a strappy white top and her light jacket was folded over her arm as she scrolled on her phone. Jan turned with an excitable grin when she felt a gentle tap on her shoulder, and Jackie noticed that she had a light dusting of make-up on complete with lip gloss and mascara. 

“Jackie! You look cute!” She cried, a little too loud considering they were right beside one another, giggling when she received a dirty look from a man in a suit passing them by.

“He’s right. It’s too early for your shouting, Jan, at least give us until noon.” Jackie mocked her in order to deflect the compliment she had been given. Jan rolled her eyes and gave her a gentle shove before looking up at the departure boards for their platform. 

They got a drink each for the journey - an iced coffee for Jan and a green tea for Jackie - and began walking to their platform for the Long Island Railroad. Jackie was content to listen and respond with small hums of acknowledgement as Jan walked ahead, pulling her small, sparkly purple suitcase behind her whilst chattering on about what she should expect from her college friends. As Jan spoke, Jackie wondered absent-mindedly if she ever stopped to breathe, but kept this thought to herself as they boarded the train and tucked their luggage away.

The two hour ride to East Hampton flew by. Jackie had picked them up some fresh croissants from a bakery for them to snack on which was perfectly complimented by Jan downloading an episode of Bake-Off onto her phone for them to watch. They sat beside each other, huddled together so that they both had a good view of the tiny screen, and had to constantly check their volume when they disagreed on which showstopper bake was the best. Or, more accurately, Jackie kept a check on their volume while Jan didn’t care. 

Jackie envied this fact about Jan, if she was honest. She seemed to find everything so easy. She could never imagine Jan in the grips of a conflict inside her head that threatened to battle on for days and confine her to the darkest space she could find until she was restored again. If Jan did suffer like this, she was excellent at hiding it. All of her texts came back within seconds, and if you asked Jackie, _that_ meant she didn’t sit there retyping and deleting the words four times before she sent them. She looked away from the window and met Jan’s gaze, gaining an energetic yet questioning smile which felt like a silent way of asking if she was alright. Jackie gave her a succinct nod, because even though she envied the way Jan seemed to ease through life, she found that keeping this particular company calmed her anxieties to no end. 

****

They got a cab from the train station straight to the hotel and Jan kept excitedly tapping Jackie to grab her attention and point at things out of the window. When she first spotted the sea, she sighed dreamily and her eyes were glued to the glimpses of blue that East Hampton offered. Jan got out of the cab first and was immediately tackled by a shrieking explosion of colour. The girl’s clothes were obnoxiously bright and despite her clunky, scuffed Doc Martens, she wasn’t concerned about whether she might accidentally step on Jan’s pristine white trainers. Clearly, her only prerogative was to try and wrestle her to the ground.

“Oh my god! Crystal!” Jan cackled hysterically, pretty much picking the girl up who was clinging to her like a koala, bouncing up and down giddily with her at being reunited. 

“Aaaaah, never leave me ever again!” Crystal whined playfully, squeezing her friend tightly and pressing a clumsy kiss to her cheek.

“Excuse me, _you’re_ the one who moved to the West Coast.” Jan shot back easily, but her eyes were kind as she pulled back and took her hand in order to squeeze it. “You and Gigi left _us.”_

“You know I went to pursue my true calling - stardom in Los Angeles.” Crystal fluttered her lashes and flicked her mullet over her shoulder, putting on a ridiculous British accent that made Jan snort inelegantly. She jumped slightly as her friend suddenly squealed before scrambling to go and greet Jackie who was still standing and watching with their bags. “Aah! Oh my god, I’m so sorry! You must be Jackie! You’re real! Jan brought you!” 

“The one and only,” Jackie chuckled at her reaction and was startled when Crystal pulled her into a hug, but gave her a light squeeze back and an awkward yet grateful smile for her kindness. “And I know that you’re Crystal, Jan’s told me a lot about you. You sound very talented. Performance art, right?”

Jan watched as Crystal began to tell Jackie about how she had opened a few of her shows in small, independent spaces in LA and had begun to branch out into spaces that weren’t galleries - specifically nightclubs in West Hollywood. She was clad in a sunshine yellow co-ord with chunky red boots and an abundance of necklaces. It was all so typically Crystal. Jan was enjoying watching the two of them chatter until her eyes were covered, but she would recognise that Chanel perfume anywhere. 

“Guess who, bitch?” Gigi said into Jan’s ear and laughed, hugging her from behind. “Sorry if Crystal’s scaring your girl.”

“Jackie’s a big girl, she can handle it.” Jan said as she turned to give her friend a proper hug, rising up onto her tip-toes as she squeezed her. “I’ve missed you guys so much.”

“I missed you too. But we all know the talk of the town right now is you getting your shit together and bringing a girlfriend! _Finally.”_ Gigi pulled back to look at her fondly and gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze before joining Crystal in accosting Jackie. 

Jan felt the need to shoot Jackie an apologetic smile and a shrug that said, _I told you they were a lot,_ as she went to check them in at the front desk. Jackie offered her a wink in response, enjoying the excitable company. The blonde had to be tapped on the shoulder by the person waiting in the queue behind her because the flirtatious wink had taken her by sheer surprise, and she stammered her apology with a small laugh before shaking her head and stepping up to the desk. By the time she had received their room keys, Jackie was beside her again.

“Thank you, Jan. Crystal and Gigi wanted me to tell you that they’re going for lunch. They’re so…”

“Cute together? Loud? Way too cool to know me?”

“ _Lovely_ , Jan. They’re so kind.” She snorted a small, high laugh. “You’re right though, I wish I was _that_ _cool_.” 

“Wait until you meet Nicky and Jaida. I wish I was _that gorgeous.”_ Jan snickered, pressing the button for their floor as they took their conversation into the elevator. 

“So, as part of the group, what does that make you?”

“Me? I’m just Jan.”

They had started to stroll down the corridor as they spoke until they came to room 264. Jackie frowned, affronted by her comment, as she scanned her room key and held the door open for her. Jackie’s eyes followed Jan intently as she walked in and beamed at the sight of the plush, white room, immediately walking over to the small balcony to look at the view. Jackie took this opportunity to speak again.

“There’s no _‘just’_ about it, Jan. You’re not _‘just’_ anything. Alright?” She was determined to have the last word and took her bag into the bathroom so that she could place her toiletries out in an orderly fashion like she always did when she travelled somewhere. “I’m showering first!”

The door clicked shut before Jan could respond, and she was left alone. She hadn’t blushed as a result of anyone’s words in a while, and it worried into a storm in the pit of her stomach. She was left to ponder Jackie’s words as she flicked through the television channels and spread herself out on the king-size bed. Her racing thoughts settled a little when she heard Jackie singing in the shower and she felt a grin slowly spread across her face. 

“Encore, Jackie!” She shouted in the direction of the wall when the water cut off, whooping playfully. “Give us more! Yas!”

“Fuck you, Jan!” The muffled response came through the wall in bouts of loud, inelegant laughter, and the joyful sound broke straight through her worries. 

She took out her contacts with a relaxed sigh, figuring that she could give her eyes a break for a few hours, and put her glasses on. At times, they made her feel lethargic and unproductive, like it was a signal for _I am tired._ But right now, out of Manhattan’s polluted air, with a view of the ocean and the soundtrack of Jackie’s shower singing, she felt content. 

When Jackie came out of the en-suite bathroom, she was wearing one of the hotel branded robes that looked soft to touch and was clutching her duffel bag in her hand. The steam that was following her told Jan that Jackie liked her shower a little too hot. Her usual curls were freshly washed and straighter than usual with the weight of the water, tangling at the ends as droplets fell onto the ground. She noticed this and muttered an apology along with something about towels making her hair go frizzy, but immediately stopped in her tracks when she looked at Jan. 

“You wear glasses?”

“I wear contacts, usually. I’m not really a fan of them. Contacts make me feel more alert and ready to ‘do life’, but I figured my eyes deserved a break.” Jan replied quickly, as if she felt the need to make an excuse for them. She felt as though Jackie had caught her naked rather than with her glasses on, but this was intimate for her. It was a less polished version of herself that only those closest got to see.

“I like them. They suit you.” Jackie held a hand up as if it would stop Jan’s defences from shooting up. It was that look from the coffee shop. That frustratingly intimidating stare _again_ that made Jan feel exposed. She was ready to be frustrated at Jackie’s ability to do this, to render her bare, before her resolve was completely softened by her next words. “I have some for reading. I can put those on if it makes you feel better.”

Jan couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow when Jackie immediately placed her bag onto the floor and dropped to her knees in order to find her own glasses, murmuring a small ‘ah!’ when she located them. They were large, tortoiseshell frames that matched her hair and eyes. Jan jumped up from her spot on the bed and gave Jackie a soft smile as she unzipped her suitcase and pulled out her toiletries bag. She momentarily considered thanking her. She considered saying something about how she thought they looked perfect on her, about how well they matched her eyes, but instead she simply gestured towards the bathroom before going to take her shower. 

****

Jackie struggled to articulate her words when she first saw Jan in her strappy, lilac dress adorned in sequins that shone whenever she hit the light. Her heels were silver and her neatly painted toes peeked out. She looked gorgeous and Jackie was hoping that the heat rising through her body wasn’t physically visible in a red flush on her cheeks. 

“Wow, Jan, you look beautiful.” She breathed, trying not to make it obvious that Jan had such an effect on her. This was easier said than done when the dress hung so deliciously off her hips and the dip between her cleavage looked so tempting. 

Jackie swallowed thickly, silently debating whether it was more appropriate to let her eyes wander at dinner because it was all part of the act, but she deftly pushed that thought to the back of her mind, and forced her desire down with a sense of shame. She felt like she wasn’t allowed to be looking at Jan like this because their relationship was fiction _._ It felt predatory, and that settled uncomfortably in Jackie’s chest. It felt like a heavy stone, weighing down on her windpipe. _Jan isn’t actually your girlfriend to look at,_ she had to remind herself.

“It’s literally my favourite thing I own. Thank you, Jackie! I _love_ this on you.” Jan gushed, completely unaware of Jackie’s inner monologue, heels clacking on the ground as she stepped closer to her to feel the material of her sleeve. Jackie knew she looked good. She had picked out a black, blazer style jumpsuit with white lapels and a belt that cinched her waist. She looked in charge. Her heels made her a little taller than Jan even when she wore hers too, and Jackie decided that she rather liked this. She felt in control, even though this particular situation might have completely slipped from her grasp.

“Ready?” Jan asked after a quiet moment, and she lightly touched Jackie’s white lapels, smoothing them down before looking up at her face.

“Let’s go.”

****

It was like Jackie had always been there. At dinner, she was sandwiched between Gigi and Nicky, sitting opposite to Jan, and nobody would ever think that she was a new addition to the group. They were sat under a beautiful, cream canopy that was doused in fairy-lights and swayed slightly in the light wind. The night was calm, as if building up to the storm that lay ahead, but for now they wouldn’t worry. When Jan and Jackie had walked up to the table hand in hand, Nicky wolf whistled at them and stood to give them both a hug and a kiss on each cheek. Once the hugs and greetings were done, Jaida had launched into a story about how she was ready to do some serious drinking after keeping things strictly ‘PG’ in front of their families all week.

“Isn’t it your wedding tomorrow? Is getting wasted the best idea?” Jackie’s eyes twinkled as she smirked, and Jaida seemed to appreciate the way she had boldly slotted herself into their dynamic.

“Well, you’re the doctor after all _._ You better keep an eye on the brides then…” Jaida made a point of finishing her drink and winked at Jackie. 

“Hey, let her have the weekend off from saving lives.” Nicky quipped and briefly kissed her fianceé. “Tonight we don’t need a designated driver so let’s _drink.”_

The night passed them by almost seamlessly, and Jackie felt warm from the new company she kept. She had gushed over photos of Crystal and Gigi’s ginger cat Tic Tac, made fun of Jan with Nicky and talked politics with Jaida, who was working for a grassroots company that helped enable political campaigns like the one that took Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez from behind a bar to congress. Jackie gushed over the congresswoman, engrossed in the details of Jaida’s work, but made sure she found moments to meet Jan’s gaze. She would watch her when she laughed at something Nicky had said, noting how ridiculous her high-pitched giggle could sound, and enjoyed her overly dramatic reactions to the gossip Gigi was supplying. 

They both took moments to make sure that they _looked_ like a couple, knowing that they would attract attention from the girls if they didn’t. Jackie would reach over and squeeze Jan’s hand affectionately, and Jan would offer to feed her food from her plate (to which Crystal shouted “lesbians!” and the girls had all but collapsed in laughter after earning a few filthy looks from the surrounding tables).

“They’re _sisters-”_ Crystal insisted in a loud voice directed at a man two tables away, and Gigi was clutching onto her arm with her eyes full to the brim with tears of laughter whilst kicking her heels on the ground. They only started to behave when Nicky reminded everyone they still needed to get married here, so do _not_ get them kicked out. 

The sea breeze enveloped them comfortably, giving way to different strands of conversation before Gigi’s voice confidently broke through the middle of it and made the table hush. 

“So, Jackie, share your secret. How’d you get Jan to finally commit?” She zeroed in on her, sipping her bright pink cocktail and wiggling her perfectly arched brows.

They had agreed to keep the story as similar to the truth as possible: They met on a dating app. They went for a coffee date. They had been seeing each other ever since. The story was simple and Jan hoped Jackie could keep her nerve. She stretched her hand out across the table as if to offer Jackie permission to take the reigns here. _I trust you._ Jackie noticed her hand and turned it palm up, absent-mindedly drawing patterns on it as she spoke. It grounded her.

“We met on a dating app. Jan actually messaged me first and I questioned her motives of going after an older woman.” Jackie was pleased to achieve some laughs from the girls, and her confidence gained like a baby bird that stumbled at first but took flight exactly when it was ready. She kept Jan’s gaze locked while she spoke. “We hit it off pretty quickly and I found that I could open up to her, which I don’t do a whole lot. She makes me smile more than I have in a long time. We’ve been non-stop talking and seeing each other ever since. Right, Jan?”

“Yeah, babe.” Jan took this opportunity to link their fingers together and all but batted her eyelashes, squeezing Jackie’s fingers as if to say _good job_ with a beaming smile _._ She received two soft squeezes back.

“Gross, you’re so cute.” Crystal sighed, resting her cheek in the palm of her hand as she looked between them.

“And the sex is good, no?" Nicky drawled. " _What are you all looking at?_ As if you all weren’t thinking about it.” Jaida gave her a small kick under the table, rolling her eyes, but laughing nonetheless. She had never been able to conceal her laughter around Nicky.

“We all think things, but we really don’t have to say them every single time.” Jaida had noticed how Jan had immediately flushed, her nervous titter of laughter overtaking her, and felt the need to save her friend. 

“It’s fantastic, but we aren’t about to give out our secrets.” At this voice, Jan looked up in surprise from where she’d bashfully been avoiding everyone’s gaze in favour of playing with the crushed ice at the bottom of her glass. Jackie looked confident as she ate the fruit from her drink, and in this particular outfit that screamed _I have control_ , Jan quietly admitted to herself that there was definitely something sexy about her. 

As the conversation ebbed and flowed into the cool night, Jan felt a flush creep up her neck whenever she felt Jackie’s ankle brush against hers. She avoided her gaze from then on.

****

Gigi had brought her bright orange polaroid camera to dinner, insisting that they get photos before they retired to their rooms. They had the perfectly scenic view of the beach behind them and the fresh air made their intoxication feel more ethereal, like their situation and setting was more dreamlike than real. Jackie took some photos of the ‘college girls’ all together, but Nicky was quick to wave her over and see who had the longest arm so they could get a clumsy selfie of all of them with their faces smushed together. 

Jaida and Nicky were picture perfect. They looked like the type of couple you would be immediately intimidated by. That is, until Nicky guffawed at something Jaida had said into her ear. The soft turquoise of Jaida’s outfit settled stylishly against Nicky’s immaculately white blazer, and you might as well have put them on the cover of Vogue. 

“Out of the way, it’s time for the _real models,”_ Crystal announced once they were done. She pulled Gigi hurriedly by the hand so that they could pose, and in contrast to Nicky and Jaida, the blue of Gigi’s silk dress was clashing fantastically with Crystal’s leopard print and multicoloured, tulle trousers (all of them would agree that this is an outfit only she could pull off). 

Jackie was certain that Gigi laughed at everything Crystal said. The pair clashed in every which way, but their silent communication was unmistakable. It was all hushed glances and taps in their own version of morse code. Jackie yearned for something like that, and somehow, she didn’t think it would hit her any harder the minute she started pretending she had it. _Good job, Jackie._ As the breeze started to progressively get colder, she noticed how it had left a dusting of goosebumps across Jan’s bare shoulders.

“Jackie, it’s us! Come on!” Jan’s excitable voice broke through her thoughts, and she was hauled up to the spot for their photos.

If Jackie felt awkward at first, she only settled into it because Jan was a _natural._ She pulled Jackie’s arm around her shoulders and linked their fingers loosely together, leaning into her in a way that made them fit. Like Jan was the final piece of a jigsaw puzzle that had niggled at her brain until she could complete it. She leaned up and pressed a light kiss to Jackie’s cheek that remained for a few moments so the photo could be taken, and immediately wiped away the mark she left behind with an ‘oops!’. When Gigi handed her the photos, cooing at how sweet they were, Jackie was taken aback at how convincing they looked. Her favourite photo was the one where she was laughing, as Jan clumsily wiped the lipstick from her cheek with a less posed expression than in the others.

****

Once they were back in their room, the one bed suddenly seemed more daunting than it did earlier. Jan knew that Jackie was beautiful. She didn’t fear her attraction to women, and she had worked on herself endlessly to be as free and uninhibited with it as she was. It was something she was proud of. She loved to notice the way a woman’s fingers flexed as her hand tightened around keys or a coffee cup, the way a woman would gesticulate while speaking excitedly, and maybe even the way a particular hand, adorned with rings, worked to grab a strawberry from her glass before popping it into her mouth. The way the hands very quickly considered shooting up to her mouth in order to suck off the residue pieces of fruit, but figured that the company was too new, and settled for wiping them on her napkin. The revelation that Jan found Jackie attractive wasn’t particularly shocking or new - that much was clear from how she’d found herself stalking the woman’s Instagram page a little more than she should. However, the fact they had to sleep together posed the challenge of creating distance in the sharing of something so intimate. Jan knew that simply thinking she was _hot_ couldn’t complicate or ruin her plan. Her goal was to have a girlfriend _just_ for the weekend and it was working perfectly so far.

Jackie was in the bathroom, and her electric toothbrush could be heard through the wall. She hadn’t locked the door. Jan knew she wouldn’t mind if she barged her way in and took up the place beside her to brush her own teeth, borrowing her toothpaste and sharing the space companionably. The mirror was more than big enough for the two of them but something about the domesticity of that stopped her because nobody was watching them right now.

They took turns in getting ready for bed to the sound of Ariana Grande playing quietly from Jan’s phone. If Jackie minded, she didn’t say anything, and even left it playing while Jan was in the bathroom and had left her phone laying on the bed. Jackie’s pyjamas were an impossibly soft jersey set while Jan had brought one of her favourite silk, mauve nighties. 

A yawn caught in Jan’s throat as she turned the light off and curled up on the side of the bed that wasn’t occupied by Jackie, who was reading in her glasses with the dim bedside lamp on. Once Jan had lay herself down, she put the book down and turned to give her a small smile.

“I hope you didn’t think I went too far with anything I said tonight.” Jackie said softly down to her, a glimpse of anxiety in her eyes. 

“It was honestly perfect. They don’t suspect a thing.” Jan soothed, her brow furrowing sleepily until she had made the uncertainty disappear from Jackie’s face. “You were great.”

Jackie seemed satisfied, and hearing how Jan’s voice was laced with the pull of sleep, she set her glasses aside and eclipsed the room into darkness. The dark felt like a barrier to vulnerability, as if anything that was exchanged between them right now wouldn’t exist in the light of day. 

“Thank you for tonight. I felt really welcome. I felt accepted.” Jackie whispered into the silence after waiting for Jan’s breathing to even out, and the words were held in the air. She didn’t need a response to this, but it had been bubbling up through her chest with a desperation to get out. 

“Thank _you._ ” Jan’s voice sounded gentle and far away because she wasn’t facing Jackie. If she had been, she would have seen the way her startled eyes opened at realising that she was not yet asleep. 

Jackie was left wondering if her quickening heartbeat was as loud as her whisper.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Nicky and Jaida's wedding day and so much more. That's all I'll say...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you so very much for all the love I've received for this fic. A LOT HAPPENS HERE AND I HAVE BEEN EXCITED TO SHARE THIS PARTICULAR CHAPTER SO I HOPE YOU LOVE IT.
> 
> I will be adding the beautiful outfits picked out by my Best Judy (Halfofwhatyouare on here) onto the note at the bottom of the chapter once I have a little bit of time! There are links and it is wonderful.
> 
> I hope you like this one!
> 
> PS: The true stars of this chapter are Nicky’s wooden sheep.

Jan was the first to wake up, yawning and rubbing her eyes to rid them of sleep. She stretched her arms up above her head with a small yet satisfied groan, glancing over to where Jackie was peacefully asleep beside her. She took this tranquil time to check her social media accounts and post a photo of Jaida and Nicky onto her Instagram story with the caption: _💜_ _My babieeeees! Today’s the day!_ _💜_ _._

She watched Jackie stir sleepily, and then slowly blink open her eyes with a gentle grin that felt like it was meant only for Jan. She halted this sentimental thought, catching herself. _That’s not part of the plan._ She silently repeated this mantra like a chant inside her head, taking a deep breath and opening the doors that led out onto their small balcony. 

“G’morning.” Jackie’s voice was husky and low when she first woke up, and it sounded as though she needed to clear her throat. 

“Hey!” She replied brightly, the daylight giving her a new source of energy. “Are you feeling ready for today?”

“Ready for what? It isn’t like _we’re_ getting married. All we have to do is have fun.” Jackie sat up, rolling her shoulders backwards and forwards as if she had lay funnily in the night. “So, yes, of course I’m ready.”

“I know that! Shut up! You know what I meant.” Jan let out a small laugh, rolling her eyes and leaning against the door frame. The morning sun shone around her hair, making it reflect in golden streaks that almost glowed. “I’m being _nice,_ Jacqueline. I’m a considerate fake girlfriend.”

“Does my considerate fake girlfriend want me to order breakfast while she showers?” She hit back straight away, knowing from the night before that Jan would definitely take longer to get ready.

“Actually, yes. Yes she does.”

****

Jan’s dress made her feel delicate and beautiful. She felt like she was straight out of a Disney movie and completely in her element. It hung off her shoulders, exposing her collarbone, and the dip dye effect of ombré purple against white was spread from the bodice that cinched her waist and down into the princess style skirt that was layered with tulle down to her shins. She was almost sad she hadn’t paired it with a tiara, but reminded herself this wasn’t _her_ day so maybe a tiara wouldn’t have been the best idea.

She was applying highlight to her cheekbones, busy singing along to _Into You_ on her pop playlist - song of the decade if you asked her - when Jackie emerged from the bathroom. Jan had to stop mid riff at the sight of her. Everything else seemed to pale, like the world was dim with Jackie as the only source of light. And _fuck,_ she shone bright.

She donned an emerald green, velvet kaftan that stopped at her ankles where she wore simple black heels. The golden embroidery that embellished the dress consisted of delicate and detailed flowers that stemmed and grew around Jackie’s neck and hemline, climbing up the side of the material. Jan thought she looked breathtaking and her gaze was almost comical, jaw practically hitting the ground as she took her in. She savoured the sight slowly, only just moving up to see the sharp cut of her eyeliner, her full lips, the way her curls spiralled over her shoulders, and how her large golden earrings peeked out of her hair. 

“You are-” / “You look-” They had started at the same time, laughing coyly as Jackie looked down to the ground, smoothing her hands over her dress.

“Jackie, you look incredible.” Jan’s voice sounded dreamy and almost nervous. Jackie chuckled demurely and bit her lip. “Really, like, _wow._ Beautiful.”

“I...I’ve never been to a lesbian wedding before. I’ve only ever been to family weddings and I’ve always worn kaftans to them. Does this sound silly? It felt right to bring this part of myself to another part of myself.” She lacked her usual certainty and Jan could tell that she had perhaps never voiced this need before, voiced this necessary intersection out loud. 

“It’s part of you, Jackie.” Jan shook her head vehemently, stepping forward and taking her hand boldly, admiring the rings that adorned her fingers. “It’s not silly. You’re one whole person who is all of these things, right?” 

Jackie nodded, looking up to lock Jan’s gaze with a new sense of ferocity in her eyes. 

“Thank you, Jan.” She said sincerely, not letting go of her hand and not bothering to check her next words. “You really do look like a princess.” 

****

Unsurprisingly, Nicky and Jaida made breathtaking brides. Despite both being clad in ivory, their dresses contrasted in the most flattering ways that made the couple look ethereal. Nicky looked, for lack of another phrase, haute couture while Jaida had chosen a more traditional gown. Their parents’ had both made speeches as pairs, followed by the couple themselves. The rules of heteronormativity said the groom was to make a speech, and without a groom to be seen, they both took on the job. The room was full of laughter as Jaida ‘exposed’ Nicky for her awful taste in ornaments, telling a ridiculous story about her obsession with wooden sheep that she insisted on keeping in their living room. She joked that it was almost a deal breaker for their relationship.

“It’s true!” Crystal leaned in to tell Jackie as she snorted with laughter, Jan and Gigi nodding enthusiastically along with her.

They had chosen to keep their official wedding party to family only, but the college girls knew that they were ‘honorary bridesmaids’ which satisfied them enough because they got to do all of the fun parts. Their only real job had been to organise the bachelorette party, which they had done excellently a month before the wedding day. How did they know it was excellent? Well, both Jan and Gigi had ended the night with their heads inside the toilet, mascara down their faces as Crystal held their hair back. Jaida and Nicky had taken this opportunity to drunkenly fuck in the next room. Any night ending in that kind of debauchery was surely excellent. Despite the fact Jackie hadn’t been there, Gigi explained it so vividly that she could see the exact state of Jan inside her head after three tequila shots and too many vodka sodas to count.

 _“_ You’re so _messy,_ Jannifer. _”_ She chastised her playfully, pressing the lightest of kisses to her cheek. The action came so naturally to her that it shocked both of them.

Jan was holding hands with Crystal during Nicky and Jaida’s first dance. The two girls were notorious criers who constantly sought eachother out to ‘let it go’ together. When they would go out drinking and dancing during college, they were the ones to be found giving each other teary pep talks in the bathroom. They sniffled together with glassy eyes, letting out small ‘aw’ sounds at their friends who were holding one another surrounded by the ones they loved most. Gigi and Jackie had naturally gravitated towards each other as soon as they’d noticed the two crying girls, and Gigi offered her a whisper of “they _always_ do this,” as she gently took Jackie by the arm to stand with her.

They watched as Nicky and Jaida were lost in their own world until a few couples started to join them and the dancefloor gradually filled up. Crystal wiped her eyes and cocked her head at Gigi in a way that said _come here,_ stepping towards the dancefloor and wiggling her fingers at her girlfriend who easily took the invitation to dance with her. With that, Jan and Jackie were left alone. The urge to pull Jackie onto the dancefloor was bubbling beneath Jan’s skin, threatening to rise up. She knew that it would look odd if they didn’t join everyone, especially as they were supposed to be in their ‘early-days-honeymoon-phase’, but she felt a little guilty. The acts of genuine love being displayed here seemed too authentic for them to fake it amongst them.

“May I have this dance?” Jackie was the one who broke the silence, and Jan blinked in surprise. She made it playful, less weighted. “I should warn you, I’m not known for having rhythm.”

“Lucky for you, I am.” Jan breathed easier now, slipping her hand into Jackie’s, letting herself be led. Nicky caught her eye across the room and grinned encouragingly, rooting for her. If you asked her personally, she would say that she was rooting for _them_.

Jan stopped them and Jackie tentatively pulled her closer by the waist. It was as though she had sensed Jan’s unease, silently willing her to relax so that they could pull this off. Jan easily wound her arms around Jackie’s neck, threading her fingers at her nape, beneath her curls. She had remembered what Jackie said about rhythm, and encouraged her to “just sway, it’s no big deal” whilst keeping their slow pace. A few metres away, Gigi and Crystal had taken the opportunity for a make-out session, giggling into each other’s mouths as they moved. They were clumsy, but nonetheless in sync with one another. 

“This is where you should kiss me,” Jan murmured, immediately realising how tender that sounded. She looked down to the small space that lay between their bodies as if there was a net ready to save her from falling. She imagined Jackie’s face to be mocking, but when she looked up it was anything but. “This just seems like the moment where a couple would kiss, like _them._ But, we don’t have to. We’re not that. A real couple, I mean.”

“We’ve already shared a bed and I agreed to act as your ‘girlfriend’ for all intents and purposes right now, so I’m sure I can manage a kiss. Relax, _Jannifer_.” Jackie quipped, pulling Jan flush against her with a bravado to hide the anxiety that lay in the pit of her stomach at crossing this boundary. 

To anyone watching them, this exchange would have looked incredibly intimate as they spoke in hushed tones under the music, and it was, just not in the way they might have assumed. Jan could have easily closed the space between them but she had decided against it, instead momentarily relinquishing her control over the situation to let Jackie consent to her suggestion. Jackie held control in her body, in the way she squared her shoulders and the way her eyes narrowed when she considered making any decision. Jan, however, held great control in her heart, and her emotions tended to lead her wherever she went. Subconsciously, they couldn’t help but learn from one another.

Jan held her breath as Jackie’s gaze flicked to her lips, and she took a hand from her waist in order to cup her jaw, tilting Jan’s face upwards as she closed the gap between them. The first brush of their lips was gentle and hesitant, as if Jackie was asking permission, and Jan had answered a resounding yes as she melted into her. Her answer made for a more electric second kiss, and Jan could taste the tang of Jackie’s cocktail on her lips and- _oh._ On her tongue too. She made a soft, barely audible mewl of affirmation and, when Jackie was the first to pull away, she had chased her blindly for a second before checking herself and pulling back. She hadn’t even noticed that the song had ended.

When Jan looked up, Jackie was smiling but refused to meet her gaze, as if she wasn’t quite ready yet. Instead, she rested her cheek against Jan’s, very gently, as if to try it out. “Was that okay?”

Jan felt dizzy as she nodded, unable to wipe the dopey smile from her face. She was grateful that Jackie couldn’t see her expression. “That was great, Jacks.”

****

Jan caught Jaida standing outside, a glass of champagne in her hand. She looked the happiest she had ever seen her, content to be taking some air. The cool, refreshing breeze hit Jan in the face and she breathed it in deeply. She adored Jaida, this fiercely protective woman who wouldn’t let anyone mess with those she cared for, and this was the first chance she’d gotten to see her alone all weekend. 

“Jaida? Hey, sweetie.” Jan beamed at her friend, snapping the bride from her deep reverie.

“Jan, baby! Come here! Talk to me.” Jaida waved her over and took her hand tenderly, giving it a squeeze. “I just needed a minute. This whole thing has been amazing but when everyone you know is in one room? That shit gets overwhelming.”

“I get that, but you’re the brides’! You guys are stars of the show, people can’t get enough of you.” Jan touched the light satin of Jaida’s dress with awe. If she trailed her fingers across the fabric like Jaida was powerful, it’s because that’s exactly what she thought of her. 

“Yeah I won’t lie, that’s usually your gig.”

“Oh, the tragedy of being a gorgeous bride and having all the attention! I feel _so_ bad for you!”

When their laughter died down, Jaida was staring at her pensively. Her mouth quirked into a smile and she gave her a nod. Jan challenged her with an arched brow.

“What?”

“I’m glad you brought Jackie.”

“Oh?”

“I really like her, Jan,” Her voice was easy-going and full of approval. “I admit, I didn’t trust your taste. Those memories of you crying over girls in college are literally _seared_ into my brain.”

“Jaidaaaaa _...Please_ don’t remind me.” Jan groaned, flushing with the thought of who she used to be. When she first got to college and tasted the freedom of being ‘out’ for the first time, she had dove into it headfirst. It ended in many one night stands where she caught feelings for a girl who simply wanted some fun, and that ended in many tears being shed in front of her friends.

“Nicky was so sick of your shit!” Jaida teased, nudging her when she hid her face with her hands. Jan gingerly looked at her once more. “But hey, girl, you had a glow up. Look at you now.”

“What can I say? I’m a _woman!”_ Jan cooed, making her voice higher and flipping her hair before giving her friend a genuine smile as she paused to consider her next words. “I’m...glad you like Jackie."

“You guys have always got your eyes on each other and it’s damn cute.”

Jan took that opportunity to look inside, scanning the crowd until she caught sight of Jackie who was gesticulating wildly while telling a story to Nicky. She started a little in embarrassment when Jackie looked up and immediately caught her staring, as if she’d been caught doing something she shouldn’t. Jackie didn’t seem to mind at all, however, and gave her an admittedly adorable wave.

“Jan? _Hello?”_ Jaida was clicking her perfectly manicured fingers in front of her face. _“Chile_ , really? I said: if you come inside now you can actually talk to your girl instead of staring at her.”

****

The night was nearing its end, and despite the festivities, they were mourning its passing already. It was the kind of day that should have gone on forever. Nicky and Jaida were dancing with their families, and Jackie watched with an ache in her heart at the easy acceptance of their love and their joy. She sat with her ‘girlfriend’ beside her, Jan’s legs resting over her own. The way her dress was strewn around her made her look other-worldly and Jackie fiddled with the lilac tulle in her lap, hoping Jan could feel the touches to her legs underneath. Gigi and Crystal were with them, bickering playfully, and Jackie didn’t even want to ask how much money Crystal had spent on their seemingly endless rounds of shots. As the song suddenly changed, so did Jan’s expression.

“It’s Lady Gaga! Babe, _this_ is my third love language!” She squealed, pulling Jackie by the wrist towards the dancefloor as she downed the rest of her vodka soda.  
  
“You can only have two, Jan-” Jackie interrupted her with breathless laughter as she was all but dragged across the room, stopping short when Jan suddenly turned around and they were almost nose to nose as she made her next point.

 _“Nope._ Lady Gaga is the third. As my fake girlfriend, you have no choice.” 

“You love to play the fake girlfriend card, huh?”

Jackie shook her head and rolled her eyes, but the way she let herself be hauled across the room by Jan said that she wasn’t going to put up a fight. She felt a little awkward at first as she wouldn’t exactly call herself a _dancer_. Monét loved to call her out as the ‘dad of the dance floor’ whenever they went out, but Jan didn’t seem perturbed. She merely giggled at her moves, linking their fingers together and letting Jackie follow her lead as she mouthed the lyrics at her. She spun Jackie around gleefully, succeeding at making her laugh, admiring how her kaftan would cascade with the movement.

When Jackie looked around, the dancefloor was covered in bodies, friendship groups and couples of all kinds. Mostly queer, from what she could tell. She felt free. She knew this was a lesbian wedding after all, but seeing everyone so outwardly celebratory of this love made a lump form in her throat. Jackie was quickly snapped out of it by the feeling of Jan taking her hands and bringing them up to make her arms loop around her neck as she danced, looking pleased to have the attention back on her. 

_All I ever wanted was love..._

Her eyes bored into Jackie’s and _of course_ she knew every word, but Jackie could barely concentrate on what was being sung because she was too busy appreciating how Jan was moving; circling her hips and flicking her hair from her face along with the music when it fell into her eye line. Jackie slid her hands from her neck, allowing them to run down Jan’s sides where she could feel the zipper of her dress, and rested them on her hips while she danced, uninhibited and free. She wondered if Jan could tell that her breathing was laboured, letting her gaze skim across the expanse of bare skin that exposed her shoulders and collarbone over her dress. 

Jan danced like nobody could see her, and only Jackie was close enough to hear the way she sang along. As the chorus hit, Jan brought her hands up to the sky, eyeing Jackie daringly. Their faces were inches apart and Jackie fell into the trap of parting her lips before the blonde turned around on the beat, stealing away the promise of a kiss. Jan was all but gyrating against her, seemingly oblivious to the effect she was having. She kept the older woman’s hands firmly on her hips with a small touch of her fingertips that said _don’t move._ This simple touch was like a lit match, delicate but relentlessly burning. Jackie had no choice but to obey her request, tightening her grip and biting her lip when Jan leant her head back onto her shoulder to briefly catch her eye and give her a wink. Not oblivious after all then. 

The moment felt like it had been snatched from her when they were pulled over to join Jan’s friends. The desire lay, heavy and leftover, in her stomach. She felt heady, only coming back down to earth when Gigi and Jaida took each of her hands so that they could dance in a circle. Nicky slut-dropped in the middle of them while Crystal filmed her, and Jaida pretended to ‘make it rain’ before the song ended. Jackie let out a long breath. She met Jan’s eye across the group and gestured over to the bar. She simply nodded in response with a radiant smile, feigning innocence, and Jackie felt relieved to escape from the lights of the dance floor where everything was feeling too hot and too close.

Jackie smoothed her hands down over her dress, as if to regain her modesty. In reality, she knew this was actually long gone as she couldn’t help picturing herself laying Jan down on the bar she was standing at, rendering her speechless as payback for what she pulled on the dance floor. She ordered herself two martinis and immediately threw the first one back, making a face at the sting it left behind. She cursed under her breath and squeezed her eyes shut while the taste passed. It was disgusting, but she was certainly less turned on than she was a moment ago. For Jackie, that felt like a win. 

“Is your night going that badly, doll?” She heard a snicker from her right hand side and saw that she was no longer alone at the bar. The petite woman had long, golden wavy hair and was wearing a short yellow dress paired with a smug smile. 

_“No!_ God no, I’m having a great time. Honestly!” Jackie stammered, feeling embarrassed that someone had caught her alcoholic equivalent to a cold shower. “I just needed to...catch up to their level.” She finished lamely, smiling half-heartedly as she gestured to the group of women still hugging and dancing underneath the lights.

“Chill, I was kidding. I’m Lemon, I’m friends with Nicky.” 

“Jackie. I’m here with Jan. She knew Nicky and Jaida from college.” She pointed her out, a coy smile on her lips as she did, and it gave her a thrill to add the next part while she was still allowed. “She’s my girlfriend.”

Once they had established formalities, they realised that they had both lived in Canada _and_ New York City. Jackie liked her. She was tongue-in-cheek kind of funny and had fascinating stories from being a contemporary ballet dancer _and_ being on the Canadian National Tap Team. Jackie was always enraptured by stories of creativity that lay so far from her own place of work, enamoured by anyone who could take the risky leap into the arts. People would always gush over the fact she was a ‘hero who saved lives’, but Jackie sometimes felt as though she had taken an easy option into comfortable job security. To her relief, Lemon spared her of this point of view and only asked about the more gruesome details of working in a hospital. And, did Jackie actually go to college for that long? Because, damn. 

This would explain why their friendly chatting lasted for the final few songs of the evening. Jan, however, didn’t know this as she glared at the sight of them huddled up at the bar together.

****

**Jackie:**

_Where did you go? I can’t find you!_

**Jan:**

_The room._

****

When Jackie tried to let herself in the room, Jan cursed quietly and scrambled to get up so that the door could swing open. She had been sobbing dramatically, sitting on the floor with her back against the door as if it would stop the other woman from getting in. She looked up at her and indignantly wiped her eyes. Her fake eyelashes lay pathetically on the floor where she had pulled them off, and Jackie looked down at her with pity.

“ _Do not_ look at me like that. Like I’m pathetic.” She spat, trying to seem intimidating, but her childish pout and the mascara running down her cheeks said otherwise.

Jackie shook her head, giving her the space to move before she closed the door behind her, treating Jan like a wounded animal. She tentatively came inside and stood awkwardly by the bed, her brow furrowed in panic. “Jan, what’s going on? Talk to me.”

“I just- I really thought _this_ was going somewhere, but my bad, gorg!” She exclaimed petulantly, avoiding the way Jackie’s concerned gaze followed her. “It’s whatever.”

Jan stripped out of her dress without a second thought, dumping it onto the floor. Her stomach became soft rolls when she bent down to pull her nightie out of the drawer they had stored their pyjamas in. Jackie could hardly concentrate on the momentary glimpse of Jan’s breasts, however, because anxiety and frustration was clouding her vision. Her need to soothe Jan was desperate and immediate.

When Jan was dressed, she uncharacteristically left her dress strewn on the ground and strutted into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Jackie groaned in frustration, leaning back against the closed door and letting her head _thump_ onto the wood.

“I can’t _help you_ if you’re going to be a complete brat.” She sighed, utterly exasperated as she bit her tongue against a comment about Jan acting her age. The blonde met her words with a bitter laugh through the door.

Inside, Jan was looking at herself in the mirror. She resented the way she yearned to feel Jackie’s gaze again already, even if it was just full of pity. She knew exactly how she was acting, but after their day, their _kiss,_ their _dancing,_ she had truly fucked her perception of what they were. Seeing Jackie cosy up with a blonde at the bar had only confirmed this, and she probably could have crushed the glass in her hand from the force she’d held it with as she watched them giggle together. Jackie was supposed to be here with _her_ and this felt like betrayal. Jan knew this was unfair, but her feelings had all bubbled up at once and the mystery woman at the bar was lucky she didn’t have the nerve to take it out on her. So, instead, poor Jackie was on the receiving end of her wrath. 

At the same time, Jackie was the only person she wanted comfort from.

****

When Jan finally appeared after what felt like a year, Jackie was in her pyjamas. She had taken her make-up off with wipes and folded Jan’s dress neatly for her, laying it on top of her own. Despite her bratty antics, the emptiness in Jackie’s chest was aching with the need to comfort her, to feel her contact, to know she was there and tangible. When her gaze rested on Jan’s face, her head hung low and her expression was apologetic. Embarrassed, even.

“Jan?” She received no answer.

Jackie was sitting on the bed, propped up against the pillows, sighing as she worried her bottom lip between her teeth. She opened her legs with enough room for Jan to sit between them. She looked small when she cried. This larger than life woman who laughed in the face of a challenge seemed defeated and overwhelmed, huddling her arms around herself as her tears threatened to spill over once again.

“Come here. Please.” Jackie pressed with more force, feeling helpless in simply watching her cry. To her relief, the blonde did as she was asked, and took her place in the space between Jackie’s legs with her back against her front. 

Jan leaned back, sinking into her as a leftover sob caught in her throat. She pulled Jackie’s arms around her demandingly and the older woman said nothing, only wanting to soothe her. She squeezed Jan tightly, feeling the slow relax of her shoulders, and ghosted her lips against her hair as her breathing finally calmed.

“Shhhh, it’s okay...See? I’ve got you, Jan. It’s okay.” She murmured into her ear. The room was empty of sound now that sobs and whimpers didn’t fill it, but Jackie would take that every single time over seeing Jan so very sad. Jan took her hands from where they were tracing patterns onto her arms (something Jackie had started to do after recalling the conversation they’d had about love languages), and gave her hands a gentle squeeze. It felt like an apology, but Jackie wasn’t about to break the silence to ask.

The events of the night were enough to sober both of them up, and Jan was sure she had cried out any alcohol left within her if that was possible. Intoxication was flowing lazily in their veins, leaving behind a looseness that was apparent in their bodies. 

The companionable silence had felt warm and comforting at first, but it had become hotter and the humidity was almost suffocating as Jan started controlling where Jackie could place her hands. She had started by making them trace patterns over the silk of her nightie, over where her stomach was, and this felt peaceful. The peace fizzled out when she shyly brought Jackie’s hands up to brush over the swell of her breasts and slowly back down to her bare thighs, using her fingertips to pull the hem up ever so slightly. 

“Jan…” Jackie warned her weakly, her heart beating rapidly in her chest.

Jan’s voice was almost silent, and her words were let out on a breathy sigh: “Do you want me?”

“ _Jan.”_

“Do you want me more than her?” Jan was sliding Jackie’s hands up her sides, purposefully moving her nightie up, gradually exposing more of her body. She wasn’t wearing underwear and Jackie knew she was entirely fucked. Her nightie was bunched up above her bare chest.

“ _Her?_ -”

“Answer my question.”

There was a beat of silence. A sigh.

“Yes. I want you.”

With that answer, Jan guided Jackie’s hands over her bare and waiting skin. Jackie found herself wishing that Jan would look at her, but she hadn’t chanced it since starting this game. Her hands shook ever so slightly as Jan let them ghost over her, barely making contact, and they simultaneously took a sharp intake of breath when Jan pressed them down onto her chest and encouraged her to massage her breasts. Jackie wondered if the journey her hands were taking was the exact journey Jan took when she touched herself, and the force of the thought went straight between her thighs. She let her fingers brush over Jan’s nipples, playing with them and taking note of whenever she whimpered or moaned, starting to press kisses into the crook of her neck.

While Jackie was the one touching her, eliciting these delicious sounds from her, Jan was still the one in charge here. She toyed with Jackie’s fingers, causing her to curse out loud when she took them into her mouth and sucked. Jackie wished she could see her face as she felt Jan’s tongue and the scrape of her teeth when she slowly pulled them from her mouth. It was positively criminal and Jackie loved it.

“Jesus Christ,” Jackie breathed against her ear, pressing her hips forward against where she was laying, seeking any kind of pressure. Jan felt this and pressed back, grinding her ass back against her.

“Nope, not him...It’s just Jan…” She giggled breathily, and Jackie was overwhelmed with fondness and absolute searing desire for the woman in her arms. Her laughter didn’t dissipate the tension, it only amped up Jackie’s need to feel more of her, especially when she had wantonly opened her legs and was being torturously slow with taking Jackie’s hand exactly where she needed it.

The shame Jackie had formerly felt for desiring Jan, for staring at the dips and plains of her body, for wanting to fuck her into an inarticulate mess, had been destroyed in the feeling of Jan’s hand on her own in this moment. From the moment Jan had started to lift her nightie, Jackie had been wet. Fuck, if she was being honest, Jackie had been wet since the dancefloor. It was a welcome surprise to feel no sense of guilt for this ache within her, and _god,_ here in this moment she couldn’t think of anything better than being a lesbian.

When she first felt how soaking Jan was, she took her earlobe between her teeth and let out a satisfied chuckle, quietly asking if it was all for her. Jan nodded weakly, for once at a loss for words, lolling her head back against Jackie’s shoulder. The sheen of sweat on her forehead glistened and some strands of her hair were sticking to her face. She kept her eyes closed as she blindly made Jackie run the tips of her fingers over her mound and then trail and tease her inner thighs that were slick with wetness and sweat. Jackie wanted to taste it, but that could wait. They had time. For now, she rubbed small circular motions on her clit, clocking every response Jan gave her. The blonde began to seek more, whining impatiently and pushing Jackie’s fingers down against her. 

“Just fuck me-” Jan tried to demand it, but it came breathlessly out of her mouth, wanting and desperate. Jackie felt powerful, cooing into her ear that she was going to take good care of her.

When Jackie slipped a finger inside of her, followed by another, Jan bucked her hips forward and moaned loudly at finally getting what she wanted. For a moment, Jackie thought she was going to turn around and kiss her, and she tried not to overthink it when she didn’t (especially not in _this_ moment). 

This was where Jan finally let Jackie take the reins, letting her touches roam free. No longer guiding her, she brought her hands down to squeeze Jackie’s thighs, nails digging into her skin. The momentary pain was a welcome mix to the intoxicating pleasure of having Jan writhing underneath her touch, her hips now moving rhythmically and giving Jackie a small, teasing release with friction against the thin material of her shorts.

She was riding Jackie’s fingers with abandon when she came, and Jackie could have truly gone to heaven hearing the obscene way Jan was saying her name over and over again. As she came down from the high, Jackie very carefully took her fingers from inside of her, eliciting a small whimper. Jan was finally looking up at her from where she lay in her arms, panting, watching as Jackie tasted her for the first time. 

“That was...I need to…Jackie...” Jan was sated and looked completely ruined. Her hair was sticking to the sweat of her skin and her nightie was finally falling down to cover her chest. Jackie took in the sight of her looking thoroughly fucked and shook her head when Jan tried to turn in her arms.

“You don’t need to do anything.”

Jackie was wet, incredibly so, and yet she could wait. In less than two hours, the blonde had gone from slamming doors in her face and spitting words at her to having an incredibly loud orgasm in her arms. There was something overwhelmingly vulnerable about seeing these two sides to Jan in such quick succession and Jackie simply wanted to take care of her. 

****

Jan woke up groggily, just after eight, and she groaned as that familiar yet heavy hangover feeling overtook her. The morning sun was far too bright and the ticking clock on the bedside table was far too loud. When she caught sight of Jackie, looking nothing short of exquisite with her dark hair spread around her on the pillow, the immediate softness inside of her turned solid as the night slowly came back to her. 

“Fuck.” she swore under her breath. She couldn’t face her right now.

Jan was silent as she slowly left the bed and carefully picked up her things so that she could get ready elsewhere. She shot Gigi a text to say that she was on her way to their room before scribbling a note to leave behind. She left Jackie behind, sleeping, unaware.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie and Jan need help from their friends to stop being so useless. Maybe they'll finally communicate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I took you guys on such a ride with the last chapter and I can't thank you enough for all of the kind words you gave me. I really hope that this one brings you some joy and you get to see the perspectives of our girls as they reflect on what happened and maybe finally get their shit together?!
> 
> This will be the penultimate chapter and it's crazyyyyy that the next one is the last, but I've just started plotting and planning for my next one so you won't be getting rid of me that easily!
> 
> Predictable part of this chapter note: Halfofwhatyouare, the babe, was once again an outfit connoisseur for me. Love you.
> 
> Enjoy and come talk to me on tumblr alittle-bitcloser!

Jackie kept her eyes closed, and her awareness was coming round to her slowly. She brushed her bare feet against the soft, downy duvet and felt nothing short of a spark of excitement when she thought of the possibilities of the day. Her hangover was nowhere to be seen. She stretched her arm out, fingertips seeking the soft skin she’d become so _very_ acquainted with the night before when- nothing. Her eyes snapped open and she sat up, brow furrowing in confusion as she realised she was alone.

“Jan?” She tried, wondering if the blonde was simply in the bathroom, but there was no answer. 

She scrambled for her phone on the bedside table, hoping and pleading that there was an innocent explanation for this, when she came across a haphazardly scribbled note in loopy handwriting.

_I’m getting ready with the girls, brunch is at 11.30. Meet me just before then in the lobby x_

_Jan didn’t want to wake up with her to the point where she snuck out?_ Jackie felt like a knife was being twisted in her abdomen, keeping her tense and on edge without a chance to release the breath she had been holding. As if the breath was the one thing holding her together. She replayed their night together, desperately looking for the moment where she had fucked up enough to make Jan feel like it was a one night stand she had to escape from. Sure, there’d been Jan’s dramatics, but then she had so lovingly folded herself in Jackie’s arms before passionately fucking herself on her fingers.

Getting ready with Jan had been one of her favourite things about the last couple of days. It was just them, alone in their shared space, music blasting from Jan’s iPhone while they learnt new things about each other. It wasn’t that Jan owed her this, or anything really, she had just been hopeful that their ‘getting ready chat’ this morning could have been about them and what they could be. On top of that, Jackie still wanted answers. _What had she done to make Jan cry? What had she done to make her leave?_

She felt tears gather in her eyes and frustratedly wiped them away, picking up her phone. Her thumb hovered over Jan’s name before she scrolled instead (she couldn’t face the rejection). Her thumb hovered over Chelsea’s name before she scrolled instead (she couldn’t face the _I told you so_ ). 

She kept on scrolling until she came to the name she was looking for, and pressed the call button.

****

When Gigi let Jan into the room, Crystal was still buried underneath the duvet. When she saw Jan stood there, carrying her messily packed bag and uncharacteristically wearing her glasses, she ferried her into the room in alarm. 

Their room was identical to Jackie and Jan’s, aside from the clothes that were strewn everywhere, Crystal’s collections of necklaces taking up half of the open suitcase on the floor. Her own sanctuary of tidiness that she shared with Jackie, where contrasting gold and silver jewellery was neatly placed beside each other, felt out of reach. She could have stayed. She could have faced the embarrassment of her theatrical behaviour, could have tested the waters to see if Jackie would let her return the favour of that fantastic orgasm, could have even seen if Jackie might return her feelings. But, it all came with the risk of Jackie’s rejection. 

Their age difference had never bothered either of them, but after her little display last night it now hung over Jan like a dark cloud. She silently lamented the thought of Jackie saying that she was _fun to fuck but too young and immature for anything serious._

Crystal groaned dramatically at hearing voices, whining that it was “too fucking early for this”. Gigi threw a pillow at her girlfriend, a concerned look painted on her face as she watched Jan. Her nature was always up high and in the air but this was a completely different energy; Jan was anxious and panicky, her movements manic.

“What happened?” Gigi pressed sternly, placing her hands on Jan’s shoulders for a moment to ground her. She pulled the fluffy throw from the end of the bed, and placed it by the balcony doors, ordering Jan to sit as she slid them open so they could have some air. “Is it Jackie?”

Jan bit her lip and the guilt hit her like a slap in the face as she thought of Jackie, who would be waking up alone right about now. She nodded silently and took a deep breath, in through her nose and then out through her mouth like she would before an audition. By this point, Crystal had come to sit with them and had placed a hand gently onto Jan’s knee, her curly hair wild and unruly from her sleep.

Jan looked between her friends and started at the very beginning, confessing everything. She started from her first message to Jackie, to the texting, to the kiss, to the jealousy, to the sex, to now.

“What the _fuck?”_ Crystal exclaimed after Jan had finished talking and a few beats of silence had passed. Her voice was shrill and seemed to climb a few octaves with every new thing she said, letting out little screams between her words. “You were like...Faking it?! The whole time?!”

“I mean...kind of? My feelings got a little out of control,” Jan sighed, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment. “She deserves better than someone with emotional diarrhea.”

“Oh, Jan that’s _gross._ As for your doctor lady, I don’t believe she’s been faking it for a second. You’re an ugly crier, Jan.” Crystal ignored her insulted expression at this comment. “You cried all over her and she _still_ fucked you right away! Like...you probably could have hit it again this morning!”

“As much as I hate to say it, Crystal’s right.” Gigi piped up, shrugging. “You are an ugly crier.”

Jan couldn’t help the shriek of dorky, throaty laughter that overcame her, shoving them both playfully. They seemed relieved to see her giggle so chaotically, more like herself. Gratitude sparkled in her eyes. When their laughter died down, the tension set like concrete in Jan’s stomach once again. The relief couldn’t have lasted forever. 

Jan looked at Gigi, begging her for direction, and suddenly she felt like she was eighteen again. Gigi could be a no nonsense bitch at times and, even though she might not seem it, she was always good at giving her girls advice. During Jan’s college days, Gigi was always there to give her a tough love talk out of her sobs and the girls slowly realised that this approach was what Jan needed. No bullshit.

“Jan, I’m gonna be honest with you right now. You should have stayed. I know that you’re scared of her rejecting you, thinking you’re immature or whatever but at the end of the day she took care of you. She had sex with you, she cuddled you to sleep and she is waking up alone. That’s not fair and you know it.” Gigi gave it to her straight-up and that’s exactly what she needed, even if it did strike her with an immediate ache of regret. Unlike Crystal, who was the self-proclaimed queen of bad advice, Gigi wouldn’t cut corners if the truth hurt.

“I know.” Jan nodded, swallowing thickly and looking down.

“Hey, look at me. This isn’t a pity party.” Gigi pressed firmly, lifting Jan’s chin with her index finger so that she would look up. “You’ve gotta make it up to her. If you want your girl, go and get her.”

“Now, I don’t know about you guys, but this is a _lot_ and I think we all deserve an iced coffee.” Crystal fluttered her lashes at her girlfriend in expectation, a shit-eating grin on her face. “Cold brew for me, babe.”

“Ugh. Fine.” Gigi rolled her eyes but conceded anyway, hurriedly putting on some joggers to go with her sports bra.

“You’re the best!” Crystal chirped, a little too loudly now that she’d woken up. The promise of coffee seemed to have an immediate effect on her. “And don’t worry, Jan’s in _great hands_ with me. By the time you get back, I’ll have shown her enough videos of Tic Tac that you won’t even know she was sad.”

Jan wasn’t averse to videos of their adorable ginger cat, always cooing at them as if Tic Tac could see her through the screen, but she knows that if they were anywhere else, Crystal’s first step in comforting her would be to fill up her bong. For the first time that weekend, Jan really wished that they weren’t in a five star hotel.

Gigi gave the atypically quiet blonde a tight but honest smile before she left the room, and made a silent promise that she would get her the brightest, cutest frappuccino she had ever seen with all of the trimmings. Her sad little pout was too much for Gigi to handle.

****

“ _Bitch,_ I was at the club last night and you _know_ this is too early for a Sunday-” When Monét finally picked up Jackie's facetime call, she was laying in bed with flakes of mascara left around her eyes from the night before. “Wait, girl, are you crying?”

“Monét, it’s fucked up. It’s all fucked up and now I’ve gotta go to brunch and pretend to be her girlfriend before we go our separate ways as if I didn’t fuck her lastnight-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down!” Monét interrupted her. From what Jackie could see, she had now sat up in bed and was looking at her with a serious expression. The connection wasn't the best, but she could see the concern in her friend’s eyes. “You fucked her?”

“Yes. We had kind of a fight, then I fucked her, and now I’m here alone.” Jackie told her, her bottom lip quivering as she balanced the phone against an ornament on her bedside table.

“Tell me about it from the start. I’m listening.” 

Monét stayed quiet as Jackie explained, not interrupting even once, but she definitely didn’t hold back when it came to her side eye as the story developed. Jackie knew she sounded like a lovestruck teenager, which was insane, considering that three weeks ago dating anyone hadn’t been a priority to her. That was an understatement, actually, because she had all but voiced that she’d given up on it. 

But, that was before she’d met Jan. 

Jackie felt like she was having an out-of-body experience, watching herself tell the story. She realised very quickly that her feelings were clear as day. She described moments between her and Jan with painstaking detail, and Monét was scoffing smugly in response or rolling her eyes at opportune moments. When she first met Jan, she knew that she had the capacity to fall for her, and not just because she was distractingly hot. She might have always jokingly described herself as a ‘useless lesbian’, but she knew when someone had her, and Jan definitely did. The temptation of being in a fake relationship for a weekend with her was like forbidden fruit that she couldn't resist. She figured that she could momentarily indulge in this gorgeous woman and get any yearning for a relationship out of her system. 

Instead, Jan had ended up in her bed _and_ her heart in just over forty eight hours.

“Jackie, I don’t believe you were faking that for one second. Not even at the start.” Was the first thing Monét said when she had finished, and Jackie could imagine the way that she would pair an affectionate gesture with her more brash comment if they were together. Monét was good at balance. “ _Girl_ , Chelsea is going to kill you, you know that right?” 

“God, I know. She keeps texting me reminders to ‘not catch feelings’ and I’ve ignored the last three.” Jackie couldn’t help her nervous laughter, the situation honestly putting her in more distress than when her emergency pager goes off at the hospital. “What do I do?”

“ _Talk. To. Her._ ” Monét brought the camera up to her face so that she could only see her mouth for those three words. “Ya’ll really did all of that without saying a single thing?”

Jackie looked scandalised at first, her expression twisting before she buried her face in her hands. “Yeah. We did. I can’t even defend myself.”

“Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to shower away those tears because you’re Jackie fucking Cox and you don’t cry over girls. You’re going to get yourself dolled up, make her damn jaw hit the floor. And then you’re going to _have a conversation about your feelings.”_ Even hungover Monét was the best motivational speaker Jackie had ever heard. “Think you can do that?”

Monét’s words had breathed new life into Jackie. She had thanked her friend profusely, blowing her kisses through the screen before rushing to the shower. She spent more time on her appearance than was necessary for a morning-after-the-night-before brunch, but she wanted Jan to really look at her. She enjoyed languidly braiding her curls into a loose plait that lay over her shoulder, and she pulled a few hairs out of the updo to make it look looser and lazier. She applied her eyeliner carefully, ensuring that it was sharp and nothing short of perfect, complimenting herself in the mirror when she succeeded.

Jackie knew the dress she had in mind was a statement piece, and she’d actually brought it as an option for dinner, guessing that she would have opted for something more lowkey at brunch. But these circumstances were different. Once she had put the dress on, she admired the way it cut cheekily at her upper thigh and was prettily embellished with bright orange and green gems. Her lime green, heeled boots completed the outfit with a small orange purse that couldn’t fit much more than her debit card and keys. It was impractical, but practicality wasn’t the aim here. 

****

Jan had decided not to tell Nicky and Jaida about the situation just yet, and she had sternly instructed Crystal and Gigi to keep their mouths shut. The weekend was still theirs and she wasn’t about to ruin it with her ‘dyke drama’ - it wouldn’t be the first time she had pulled focus with this kind of thing and Jan wouldn’t forgive herself if she managed it during her best friends’ wedding weekend. She had decided to stick to her guns and get ready with Gigi and Crystal so that she had time to consider where she would even begin with making this up to Jackie.

As Jan waited for her in the lobby, she started to feel anxious as she realised she has no idea what the protocol was on greeting your fake girlfriend who you fucked, abandoned, and have feelings for. Her apprehension only amped up when she saw the woman in question leave the elevator looking editorial style _hot_ in a sixties style bright dress _,_ seeing no trace of someone who felt self conscious or sore about being left alone. She had a sneaking suspicion that this was on purpose, and as she noted the shortness of Jackie’s dress, she couldn’t be mad at it. She thought that Jackie looked painfully gorgeous - the pain being that she had absolutely no right to touch her or tell her that.

“Jan.” Jackie breathed with a small smile as she stopped in front of her, but it didn’t meet her eyes. She let her eyes skate over Jan who was looking highly on-brand in a pastel purple co-ord set paired with wedge sandals. “You look pretty.”

“Jackie, I-”

“Can we do this later? I want to talk to you, I do. But, for now, let’s do what we came here to do.” Jackie interrupted her firmly, holding out her hand. It felt like a strange kind of olive branch, but Jan acquiesced and nodded. 

Jan was lost in her thoughts as they walked, trying not to think about the hand in hers and where it had been the night before. She knew that she owed Jackie an apology, she owed her a whole lot more than that, so for now she gave her control of the situation. She had been the one putting them through the emotional ringer and was the first to admit that Jackie was the one taking all the punches for her. She wouldn’t chance looking at her, but couldn’t help trying to analyse her impenetrable expression in her peripheral vision. Jan felt desperate for her gaze, but softer, like it had been the day before.

“You look like Spring.” She blurted out, feeling utterly dumb as soon as she did, but Jackie struggled to keep up her aloof façade at the heartfelt yet peculiar compliment that was just so typically Jan.

“I’m pissed at you, don’t make me smile.” Jackie muttered in response, unable to muster up any actual irritation, and waving as they approached the beachside brunch spot where the girls were already sitting.

****

Hilariously, Nicky spent the entire brunch with sunglasses on. She groaned if anyone was too loud, and cursed quietly in french when Jan specifically asked for a “champagne mimosa”. Jackie had been as affectionate as she needed to be with Jan so that their cover wasn’t blown, but she wasn’t pushing the boat out by any means. She could sense that Jan was needy for her attention, eyes constantly on her, asking if she needed anything and if she was okay. Despite her tough resolve, the champagne mimosa comment was too much for her to ignore.

“As opposed to what?” Jackie couldn’t resist hitting back, raising a judgemental eyebrow.

“Like, vodka?” 

Jaida nearly choked on her drink, reaching over the table to touch Jan’s hand as she laughed. Nicky muttered an “ _oh girl”_ followed by a string of French words that they didn’t bother to ask about. Jan was sinking into her seat, gulping the mimosa down far faster than she should have been.

“I can’t with you-” Jaida was hitting Nicky’s thigh as she laughed, ungracefully snorting, and Jackie thought that the way it was at odds with her polished appearance was wonderful.

“Awww, let her be, it isn’t Jan’s fault she’s trash from New Jersey!” Crystal seemed to have gotten over any hangover she woke up with, happily gulping down the fruity ‘breakfast cocktails’ put in front of her. “I also...kinda dig the idea of a vodka mimosa.”

“Babe, it already exists and it’s a screwdriver.” Gigi pulled a face, her eyes wide with judgement at the company she was keeping. “It’s definitely not a fucking mimosa.”

Jan vehemently protested, playful and whiny, silently begging for Jackie to step up as her knight in shining armour with fleeting glances and tapping fingers against her forearm. Jackie merely sipped her drink and smirked, satisfied, feeling like she could finally see Jan’s feelings for her after weeks of pining in the dark. She was so close that her hair tickled Jackie’s arm when she flipped it over her shoulder. Sure, they had things to discuss, but Jackie was no longer doubting whether Jan wanted her. 

Suddenly, she felt a vice grip on her thigh, and she looked over to Jan in alarm who was flushing a deep pink. When she heard Lemon’s voice greet Nicky and Jaida, it was as if everything had slotted into place. 

_Do you want her more than me?_

This woman, Jackie thought, was absolutely ridiculous. Her heart was pounding and she wanted to laugh hysterically at the situation, only realising it was showing on her face when Gigi gave her a questioning look.

“It was so good to meet you last night, Jackie.” Lemon broke through her thoughts, smiling widely, her large shades clearly concealing her hangover. “And you’re Jan, right? Jackie’s girl? Should’ve heard her talk about you last night. She mentioned you’re a performer?”

“Y-Yeah! I am!” Jan’s smile looked genuine but Jackie surmised that there was more strain behind it than she was letting on, and she covered Jan’s hand with her own. “Both of those things, I mean. Jackie’s girl _and_ a performer.”

“Well, get my number from Nicky. I’m a dancer so we should talk, bitch.” Lemon was open, cheerful and sassy as she planted a final kiss to both Nicky and Jaida’s cheeks before leaving them. 

A faint blush was still painted on Jan’s complexion as she nodded dumbly to Lemon’s kindness. In that moment, Jackie wished more than anything that she could hear her thoughts, that she could hear just how ridiculous she felt. 

Jackie wanted Jan. Jackie liked Jan a lot. But Jan deserved that. 

****

Jan had suggested that they go back to their room to talk, but Jackie insisted on needing space and air. So, after brunch, they walked down to the beach in silence. They kept on walking past happy families, sickeningly-in-love couples and relaxed sunbathers until they found their own spot that felt more secluded. Jackie made a point of taking off her boots so that she could dip her toes into the ocean, leaving her tiny purse in the sand with them, and she briefly looked over at Jan who was unfastening the wedges on her feet to join her.

“So when you asked me if I wanted her more than you. You meant Lemon?” Jackie meant business and wasn’t about to waste time skirting about the issue. Monét would have been proud of her.

Jackie spoke again when she only received a self-conscious nod in response.

“Jan. You know there’s this thing called _asking._ ” She glowered, just for a moment, but sighed when she couldn’t stay mad at her, at this literal kicked puppy of a human being who looked a step away from begging on her knees for forgiveness. Jackie thought about that for a second, and tucked it away for later.

“I talked to Gigi and Crystal this morning. They really helped me pull my head out of my ass.” Jan ran a nervous hand through her hair and her big eyes were trained on Jackie, seeming to track her every move.

“You left this morning and I woke up alone.” Jackie’s voice was harsh and defensive, but she slowly tangled their fingers together with her next words. “I was hurt, Jan.”

“I’m so sorry. I know. I couldn’t face you. It’s absolutely no excuse, but the whole night came back to me and I was such a fucking hot mess. I decided to be a total brat because you talked to someone who was blonde, pretty and _a little like me_ . At that point I was so sure you wanted me, and I thought, well if I’m her type then so is she. I felt like I was gonna lose you before I even had you, and all I had to do was _say it_ but instead I freaked the fuck out. And then we fucked. Because I started it.” Once Jan started, she couldn’t stop. It was like someone had turned on the tap and the bath was already full but she was going to flood the bathroom and beyond with her rushed rambling. She saw Jackie’s face drop, her own eyes widening as she scrambled to rescue her words. “I don’t regret it! Jackie, if you’ll let me, I want to show you how much I don’t regret it.”

The air crackled between them at Jan’s final words, and Jackie tightened her grip on her fingers, letting her nails scratch subtly against her skin. 

“So...you couldn’t have said all of that in bed this morning?” Jackie raised an eyebrow at her, pursing her lips.

“Talking to you meant giving you the chance to tell me I’m fun to fuck but too immature for anything more.” Jan looked vulnerable, her face open and without barriers as she desperately waited for Jackie’s response. “And, Jackie, I want more.”

Jackie was unprepared for the level of unbridled earnestness that came with Jan’s apology. It wasn’t peppy or polished like she usually was - it was genuine. Every word she spoke was so openly sincere and unrehearsed (the last part echoing in her mind). She felt impossibly exposed by Jan’s brave confession and it was honestly exhilarating. Jackie didn’t speak, but she pulled her in so that their bodies were flush against each other, the water caressing their toes. 

Jan looked at her, tangling her fingers into her curls with one hand. With the other, she tentatively brushed her fingertips against Jackie’s jaw, who turned her head to kiss the inside of Jan’s palm. That awakened something in Jan who was suddenly dusting gentle kisses all over her face, along her jawline, on her nose, on each cheek. She whispered endless apologies between them until Jackie shushed her softly, and placed her hands on her shoulders to put a slight distance between them so that they could look at eachother.

“I don’t care that you got jealous and I don’t care that you cried. You’re a human being and Crystal _had_ been feeding us tequila all day after all.” Jackie spoke quietly, running her fingers through Jan’s hair in a way that made her sigh with ease. “Things come to a head when we’re feeling a lot and you were...definitely feeling a lot. If you’re telling me that you want more, I only care that you talk to me. Show me your ugliest sides but always stay.”

“Gorg, I don’t have an ugly side…” Jan had her tongue between her teeth and her grin was tentatively playful, as if she was testing the waters, before she lowered her tone in the most gentle diminuendo underneath Jackie’s quiet chuckle. “I promise, Jackie.” 

The fact that Jan could make Jackie laugh so freely and then make warmth bloom in her chest all within a few seconds was utterly incredible to her. Every moment was like a whiplash of emotions that made Jackie’s heart hammer against her ribcage with euphoria and she wanted this sensation every single day.

“Okay then, Jannifer, you've made your promise. Now stop wasting time and kiss me.” Jackie said lowly, almost in a whisper, as if she was afraid of shattering this vulnerable moment. 

As the sky settled into a cloudless and vibrant blue, their kiss started slow and fell tumbling into devotion. Jackie couldn’t think of much beyond how soft Jan’s lips were, and let out an affronted noise when the blonde pulled away. But then she winked with a promise of more and Jackie was scrambling to put her shoes back on.

****

As soon as they had closed the door behind them, Jan all but slammed Jackie against it and was clawing hungrily at the hem of her dress, drawing hysterical laughter from the older woman which bubbled delightfully against her lips. 

“We still need to pack-“ She said into Jan’s mouth between obsessive and messy kisses, but her words didn’t match up to her actions as she tugged experimentally on Jan’s locks, thrilled when she let out a low, throaty sound in response.

“You got to see all of me last night, and I didn’t get to see all of you.” Jan whined and pouted playfully, touching their noses together.

“Then take off my clothes so you can see me.” At Jackie’s words, Jan’s eyes darkened, and she kissed her, open-mouthed and filthy to go with the way she slipped her thigh between hers. She pressed forward, wanting Jackie gasping and breathless underneath her touches. She knew she was going to get what she wanted. 

Once Jan realised that the zip to undo her dress was at the back of the garment, she gently coaxed her into turning around to which Jackie acquiesced, cheek pressed against the cold of the door and her breathing laboured. Jan suddenly slowed her movements as she undid the dress, following the bare skin with her lips and tongue as the zip travelled downwards.

Once she had let the dress fall, Jan hummed at the sight of the peach, lace matching set that lay perfectly against Jackie’s skin tone. As gorgeous as the sight was, what was underneath it was far more mouth-watering. With that in mind, she wasted no time in unhooking her bra to get it off, reaching around to touch her breasts and brush her thumbs over her nipples. She could remember how breathless, speechless, absolutely out of it Jackie had made her and she was absolutely determined to do the same thing. 

“As pretty as you look in this set, I’m so glad I get to take it off,”

“Stop being such a tease.” Jackie sounded wrecked already, and Jan knew she had probably been thinking about this since last night.

“Or what?” Jan was on her knees by now, spreading Jackie’s legs with a mere nudge to her inner thighs. She tested her, pressing her fingers lightly against the lace that was in the way of what she wanted, looking pleased when Jackie pleaded with her quietly. She slowly slid the knickers down her legs, making a point to be frustratingly leisurely about it. “You don’t look like you could do much about it right now.”

When Jan decided to put her out of her misery and finally touch her, she couldn’t decide whether it was more for her own benefit or for Jackie’s. It thrilled her to think that people could be walking down the corridor with no idea what was going on _just_ on the other side of this door. Or, maybe they knew exactly what was going on, because Jackie had started moaning so beautifully against it when Jan coaxed her closer, breathing air against her before licking into her folds from behind as she rubbed her clit.

“You taste so fucking good,” Jan murmured, taking a moment to also lick the wetness from her inner thighs and all but moaning, which only seemed to encourage Jackie who was ever so slightly moving her hips against her face.

“Let me turn around…” Jackie breathed, voice unsteady as Jan allowed her to do so. “I want to watch you.” 

Jan stood so that they were face to face, licking into her mouth, and Jackie welcomed it. She welcomed the way she could taste Jan, the way she could taste herself, and the way this incredible woman was making her knees buckle. Jan held back a whimper at the way Jackie’s tongue slid against hers, determined to have every ounce of control. Within the next moment, Jan was back down on her knees and holding onto Jackie’s thigh, making her hook her leg over her shoulder so that she could get better access and cast her gaze upwards to where lustful eyes were on her as she lapped her tongue against her wet cunt.

Jan only stopped when Jackie was pulling at her hair, begging, telling her that she couldn’t take anymore. She wiped her chin with the back of her hand before standing, ecstatic at the breathless and heaving mess that stood before her. It was only then she realised that she was still fully dressed with her shoes on, and even funnier, that Jackie was _only_ wearing her boots. It made her giggle in that throaty, shrill way that she does when she’s uninhibited and Jackie met her with what could only be described as a guffaw. As their hysterics echoed through the room in a joyful symphony, they removed the offending items of clothing that remained. Jan tenderly led Jackie over to the bed where she laid her down, and pressed gentle kisses across her body until her breathing had settled, planting a final kiss onto her lips.

“Give me two minutes and then it’s over for you, Jan Sport.”

****

Jan was tucked under Jackie’s arm with her head against her shoulder, feeling the soft puffs of Jackie's breath against her hair. Her arm was slung over Jackie’s body and she was rubbing her thumb back and forth over her hipbone. There was only an hour until their check-out time (thank god it was a late one), but Jan could have stayed there forever. Maybe it was the fact they were naked together for the first time or that they had breached the barrier of real communication, but they had been talking about their upbringings. Things that they didn’t disclose in the preparation period for the weekend were revealed in intimate whispers. Jan was attentive and soothing at the right points, finding contentment in simply hearing Jackie’s perspective on the world.

So, when her alarm went off to say they needed to start moving, you couldn’t blame her when she groaned at the thought of packing. More accurately, she groaned at the thought of going their separate ways.

“Stay with me tonight.” It was as if Jackie had heard her thoughts. 

“Good luck ever getting me to leave.” Jan sang in response, simply enjoying how she fit against her.

She already couldn’t wait to find _all_ of the ways in which they fit together, and they could start right now. 

  
  



	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some time has passed since the wedding and the girls are meeting up for a little Winter holiday in LA. Here we see where they are now and it almost reads like a collection of vignettes from their trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The final chapter! I've enjoyed creating this little world so much and I'm so happy and grateful for all of the feedback I have had with regards to this story.
> 
> Without any major or crazy plot points to hit, this chapter became a total love letter to lesbianism from start to finish.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and I can't wait to get started on the next to be honest. Feel free to come chat to me at alittle-bitcloser.tumblr.com, I love it! 
> 
> I really hope you're happy with where we leave the girls.
> 
> CW/TW: there will be mention of a homophobic situation, but it is only a mere moment.

“ _Jan?_ Come on, we need to be on our way to La Guardia, like, now!”

They were late to leave and Jan was adamant that it was Jackie’s fault. Jackie had been the one who had coaxed her from her slumber with soft kisses, neither of them caring about morning breath as their languid make out session became slowly more heated in that lovely morning way. Very soon, their unhurried kissing had turned into Jackie leisurely fucking Jan into the mattress with their strap-on before sitting on her face. Jan would never complain about such a fantastic morning, but she wasn’t able to shoot up and rush around as quickly as Jackie could post-orgasm. She had whined at the loss of body heat when Jackie got up, sensitively squeezing her thighs together and pining for the cuddles she would usually be getting after being fucked. So, because she had wasted an extra ten minutes complaining (as Jackie had so charmingly put it), she was now bolting around the apartment to find her curling iron while their cab sat impatiently outside.

Jan had moved into Jackie’s apartment a couple of months back. It just made sense - she was practically living there anyway. Her hilariously ironic friendship with Lemon had blossomed in full force after Jan plucked up the courage to text her, to the point where the girls would go out on the town together and post a million Instagram stories about it. When she had moved out of the apartment with Rosé and Lagoona, it made it a little easier that Lemon was the one to take her room, and Jan still felt like she had a place there. One drunken night, she had revealed the truth about the night of Nicky and Jaida’s wedding, and since then, Lemon has swore that _she_ was the sole and true reason that Jan and Jackie got their shit together. _I’m like the saviour of the useless lesbians,_ she had said. 

Once she found the offending curling iron, she pulled on her lilac denim jacket and grabbed a scrunchie for her wrist. The December air was fierce here in Manhattan, but Los Angeles would be a lot more forgiving. Jackie let her go down first and locked the door behind them, rushing down to the cab with profuse apologies. 

“I’ve never been to LA before.” Jackie mused as the car crossed over the George Washington bridge, the grey steel reflecting prettily off the icy Hudson River. 

Jan was practically vibrating in excitement as she put her hair up into a ponytail, beaming over at her. “Oh, Jacks, you’ll love it.”

It was almost Christmas and the girls had been trying to settle on where they could rendezvous this time. Manhattan was gorgeous, sparkling with frost all Winter long and felt truly magical at this time of year (Crystal was gunning for this), but Gigi despised weather that was too cold and Jan fancied a change of scenery. Nicky and Jaida offered to host them upstate, and while promises of s’mores over a roaring fire were tempting, sunny Los Angeles had been the winner. It promised warmer temperatures, beaches and nightclubs. Jan couldn’t think of a better escape.

****

Jackie’s delicately organised life where everything was compartmentalised to the highest degree (maybe sometimes to her own detriment) had been chaotically tipped upside down when Jan came into her life. This fiery ball of energy had taken her on a whirlwind adventure that ended with a budding relationship that had been blossoming ever since. 

There wasn’t just the chaos that so typically manifested itself in Jan scrambling around their apartment for her curling iron though. There was also peace. Jan had brought her serenity through Indian take-outs after work, the way her voice soothed her after more challenging conversations with her mother, and the friendships she had brought into Jackie’s life. She had been welcomed into the girls’ group chat almost immediately and had happily settled in as the newest member. She had gotten extremely close with all of them, but especially Gigi, who she affectionately referred to as ‘baby Geege’. That particular nickname had been born when Jackie had given Gigi a piggyback during a group trip to Coney Island when she hadn’t wanted to get sand in her shoes.

She swapped a content smile with her girlfriend (it didn’t take long at all for that to become official) as their flight took off. She was sitting in the aisle seat while Jan took the window after insisting that she _must_ , and Jackie observed fondly as she looked amazed at the view of Manhattan getting smaller and smaller. The azure of the sky reflected against Jan’s skin and hair as they climbed higher and Jackie thought it suited her, making her glow like she belonged in the fresh skies and away from the toxic pollution of the city. 

Despite moving in together, they’d seen less of each other recently when Jan had scored a part in a two month off-Broadway run of _Little Shop of Horrors._ Jackie had joked that they were working in very different kinds of theatres. Some nights, Jackie returned to cute notes written in loopy handwriting when she knew Jan would be onstage already. Jan was always a little subdued when Jackie had a night shift and her post performance high was wasted on the empty apartment, but she liked the 5am sensation when secure arms pulled her closer in her sleep. 

Her role was part of the ensemble, but she had screamed loud enough for the whole apartment building to hear when she got the call that she was also the first stand-by for Audrey. She did five shows in the principal role and Jackie had never seen her so confident in her own abilities; the first time Jan was due to perform the part, Jackie had made sure she could attend and waited for her afterwards with a bouquet of roses and an expression full of pride. The run had ended and Jan was walking on air. They spent their first lazy weekend in eight weeks almost exclusively in bed, ecstatic to be together without a care. So, this vacation was coming at exactly the right time.

They were around an hour in when Jackie dozed off, leaving Jan listening to music through her headphones. She was close enough that Jackie could hear the tinny quality of the sound, but instead of complaining that Jan was going to damage her hearing with the volume, sleep caught up with her. When Jackie opened her eyes again, she’d been drooling onto Jan’s shoulder. 

“Aw, thanks gorg.” Jan made a face when she noticed, but her brown eyes sparkled with sheer affection before she drawled her next words. “I’ve been bored without you, thank god you woke up.”

“I’ve been asleep for…” Jackie checked her phone. “A whole hour. Dear god, Janny, how did you cope?”

“I didn’t. It was awful. Never leave me again.” She deadpanned, their banter coming as easily as it always had since that first morning they’d met for coffee.

For the rest of the flight, Jan claimed the cuddles she didn’t get that morning, clinging onto Jackie’s arm like a needy koala bear as they listened to music with one headphone each. Jackie wasn’t as picky with music as Jan was, always happy to take her girlfriend’s recommendations or listen to the same Lady Gaga album fifty times in a row (as much as she liked the album, that week had been a little more challenging, Jackie will admit). However, when it came to musicals, their shared enthusiasm was clear, and they playfully mouthed the words at each other. 

Jackie had snorted with amusement when Jan mouthed her way through Out Tonight from _Rent,_ trying to look as alluring as she could manage whilst still being strapped into her seat, only to blush deeply and hide her face when she noticed people looking. She called Jackie a traitor for not letting her know.

****

Jaida and Nicky had been in California for a week already, having just met up with their eccentric friend Rock in San Francisco. The couple had a hotel booked despite Crystal and Gigi insisting that everyone could fit in their apartment. They had arranged it all on a frenzied video call where you were lucky if you got a word in edgeways and Jan sometimes had to start her sentences a good three times before being heard. Once Jaida found the rare space to speak, she shook her head vehemently.

“Gigi, bitch, as much as I love you, the six of us are _not_ cooping up in your one bedroom apartment.” She shook her finger at the camera. “No ma’am, we’ve already found a hotel.”

Jan wasn’t about to complain though because that meant she and Jackie could take the pull-out sofa bed and stay in LA for free. Gigi had promised to pick them up from the airport while Crystal was working for the afternoon on a project with her new queer art collective ‘Get Dusted’, and Jan felt silly to be excited to get into a car. But, when she had mentioned this to Jackie, she had grinned with her tongue between her teeth and nodded in complete understanding because that _was_ a rarity in Manhattan. 

When Jan and Jackie came through from security, Jan spotted Gigi first. She was wearing Gucci sunglasses that made her look straight out of Beverly Hills, and anyone looking at her would think her clothes were designer too. Jan knew her friend better than that though, and had always admired how she could find vintage gems at thrift stores and make the most fashionable looks from upcycling old clothing. Gigi with a sewing machine was unstoppable, and while she had studied costume design for theatre, her journey to LA had brought her high profile clients including more than a few drag queens. Along with Crystal, she was becoming quite the name in the queer scene.

“It’s the baby Geege!” Jackie waved to their friend, the affectionate nickname always making Jan smile, reminding her how seamlessly Jackie had slotted into her life and into the group.

“You’re right on time, ladies.” Gigi pulled them both into a tight group hug, kissing both of their cheeks in turn before wasting no time in leading them outside into the comfortable warmth of a California Winter. “And thank god too, parking’s a bitch.”

On the drive, Gigi blasted Dua Lipa and opened up all of the windows as they drove down the highway, apologising both for LA traffic and fact she couldn’t afford a convertible so they could live their full West Coast fantasy. With her recent success, Jan thought it would only be a matter of time. Gigi went on to explain that Nicky and Jaida would be joining them this evening, saying something about a spa day they had planned. Jackie sat shotgun while Jan leant forward from the back, leaning her head against the side of the passenger seat as they chatted all the way to Gigi and Crystal’s West Hollywood apartment. 

“Make yourselves at home!” Gigi announced, letting the couple lead the way and taking off her heels. “You can dump your bags in our room for now.”

The apartment was small, but full of life. Rolls of fabric were piled up on the small table beside Gigi’s sewing machine. The rooms were packed with colour; oranges, blues, pinks and purples without any consideration for a theme. Or maybe this ‘mish mash’ of both girls was a theme in itself, Jan mused, fondly comparing it to the way she had brought pastels and fluffy throws into Jackie’s houseplant haven. The way their joint Netflix account was a clash of Star Trek and Ugly Betty. It shouldn’t have worked, but it did. Crystal had hung brightly illustrated posters from her art shows on the walls of the hallway, and Jan watched as Jackie paid rapt attention to each of them, taking in her surroundings before she went to drop their bags inside the bedroom. A small, soft sensation wrapped around Jan's ankles, making Jan gasp and pick up the small creature in excitement.

"Tic Tac!" She cooed, pressing kisses to the cat's soft, ginger fur and making her purr in delight.

Suddenly, Jan heard a familiar loud snort of laughter and the sound of Jackie trying to stifle it. She smirked when she saw her girlfriend, looking hilariously childish as she poked her head out of the bedroom door and waved her over. Her curiosity was officially piqued and she took Tic Tac along with her. She ambled down the hallway with her eyebrows raised and Jackie pulled her inside to point at the extremely suggestive mirrored headboard that stood at the top of Crystal and Gigi’s bed.

“Oh my god, Tic Tac, your moms' are total kinky bitches-” Jan struggled to suppress her giggles as Tic Tac wriggled out of her grasp and went to affectionately greet Jackie who was thrilled to crouch down and pet her. “This has Crystal written all over it.”

“Oh that doesn’t surprise me.”

“Jacks, she was my roommate in our freshman year at college.” Jan gave her a serious look, shaking her head slowly as if she’d been traumatised. “I saw _things.”_

****

Later that evening, Crystal’s friend Daegen dropped her off with a hefty supply of weed. Crystal greeted Tic Tac before anyone else, exclaiming an excitable "mademoiselle!" as she picked her up and cradled her like a baby. Her confident friend, Daegen, spoke so fast that Jan could barely keep up, all she knew was that this girl was _hilarious_ and she begged her to join them on the night out they had planned. Daegen chewed her gum and played with her neon pink hair, nodding in consideration and saying that she would “text the girls about it”. Crystal gushed and squealed about the plans she had made with the Get Dusted girls for their newest art show, pressing a messy kiss to Gigi’s cheek and leaving a smudge of pillarbox red lipstick behind.

Jaida and Nicky had arrived earlier, glowing and relaxed from their spa day. Jackie had commented that married life suited them. By the time Crystal returned home, they were snuggled together on one couch while Jan and Jackie took the comfy pillows on the floor. Gigi buzzed around them in an effort to be an attentive host.

“ _Please sit,_ Gigi, you’re making me fucking dizzy.” Nicky snapped without any real malice, patting the space beside her and Jaida. 

Gigi simply flipped her the bird and smirked, ever the perfectionist. In the meantime, Crystal had caught Jan’s eye and raised a brow, shaking the bag of weed questioningly in her direction. Remembering she no longer had to take extra care of her voice for now, Jan immediately jumped up with a smile, bare feet padding on the wooden flooring as she joined her friend to help prepare the bong. She was curious to see Jackie all lucid and relaxed, but also longed for the familiar sight of her friends in such states.

“Ladies!” Crystal suddenly announced, buoyant and happy to be surrounded by some of her favourite people in her own home. “I think it’s time we smoked a bowl for old times’ sake.”

****

Jackie hadn’t been high in years. She had her head in Jan’s lap, and basked in the way her giggles enveloped her in a warm sense of affection. The softness of it settled into her bones. Jackie languidly reached up to touch Jan’s face and twisted her fingers into golden tresses, enjoying how silky they felt. She watched as the spirals of grey danced prettily in the air around them. 

Crystal was the quietest Jackie had ever seen her, eyes mostly closed, with her head tipped back onto the top of the sofa. She replied to things with gentle hums and non-committal sounds, only rising up to grab snacks and pop them in the middle of the coffee table. She promised them that she would show them her ridiculous sounding ‘boob dress’, something she was working on for one of her art shows, but after a couple more hits had forgotten all about it. Maybe tomorrow then.

They spent the night munching through endless packets of cheetos, clawing back those college days where this was a weekly occurrence. The conversation was lazy, full of simpers and titters of laughter, and it seemed that getting high brought the softness out of Nicky. Her usual brash manner had become adoring and attentive, especially towards Jaida, who drank it up eagerly. 

The contrast that inebriation brought to the usually excitable group was something Jackie savoured quietly, teeth grazing her bottom lip as she smiled to herself and merely listened. She hadn’t even noticed her eyes close. When they opened, Jan was looking at her gingerly, a tug of dopey mischief tugging at the corner of her mouth.

“You’re pretty.” The comment made Jackie chortle with glee, and she considered leaning up for a kiss, but the heaviness of her head simply wouldn’t let her. Jan’s expression was lax and tender, and Gigi’s chatty tone faded into the background as they shared a moment.

****

Their drive to Malibu was chaotic to the point where Gigi stopped the car and said she would dump them all on the side of the road if they carried on fighting over the aux cord. Jackie took sensible control of it in the end and Crystal complained that she would be biased to play whatever Jan wanted (true - Jan wanted every song to be themed to Malibu, starting with Kim Petras). By the end of the journey, Jaida had taken the reins and nobody could complain about her choices. Even if they didn’t like it, they’d suck it up because Jaida refused to take their shit. 

The sea breeze was pleasantly warm and inebriated the girls with a sense of adventure. With it being the Winter months, it wasn’t as hectic as the peak times would be, and they felt spoilt by the expanse of soft sand that lay before them. They settled onto soft beach towels with the picnic they’d packed, being careful to avoid sand getting into any of the food. 

They had all worn swimming gear under their clothes, apprehensive about the warmth of the ocean but not wanting to risk missing out. Jan fiddled with the bow that held her shimmery purple bikini up at the back of her neck absent-mindedly, trying to understand how Gigi looked so flawless in the tiniest blue two-piece that left nothing to the imagination. Gigi’s confidence was unmatched and, _of course,_ she had already stripped off.

Her gaze was distracted, however, when Jackie put her thick curls up into a bun and took off her tee shirt that read ‘lesbian’ across the front in Farsi. This shirt was one of the most _Jackie_ things Jan had ever seen and it was just one example of the ways in which she was working to bring these sides of herself together. It wasn’t easy for her, but Jan was Jackie’s biggest cheerleader. As she watched, she couldn’t help how she let her eyes rest on the swell of Jackie’s chest when she revealed her yellow one piece that looked effortless paired with her high-waisted denim shorts. Apparently, she wasn’t the only one who noticed.

“ _Jacqueline,_ vous êtes célibataire?” Nicky pretended to fan herself, looking Jackie up and down overtly. 

This was Nicky’s favourite hobby. Ever since she realised that Jackie had basic french in her arsenal, she took every opportunity to make Jan squirm and shamelessly flirt with her. Jan could be a baby about it anyway, but the fact she couldn’t understand what was being said only fuelled more of a reaction. Jackie was simply laughing and rolling her eyes. 

“No, and neither are you. _”_ Jackie tutted playfully at Nicky, wagging her index finger at her with a wink. " _Effronté."_

“No to what? Nicky, _stop,_ you have a whole wife! Right there!” Jan looked between them and then straight at Jaida as if to ask for help, pouting dramatically. “Jaida!”

“What? You think anyone could control her?” Jaida snorted a laugh, reclining back onto her towel with a grin. “The answer is no, and that’s why I married her.”

“Janice, relax, your girlfriend is hot but she is also absolutely whipped for you.” Nicky punctuated her words by pressing a kiss to Jaida’s knuckles, clearly pleased with the comment she had made, and despite talking to Jan, she didn’t tear her eyes away from her wife.

Crystal all but shrieked a laugh and mimed cracking a whip as she playfully wiggled her eyebrows at Jackie and Jan. Jackie took it well, letting out Jan’s favourite loud guffaw as she nodded and shrugged as if to say, _who could blame me?_ Jan was smug about this for the rest of the day.

The sun was warm, but Jackie’s bare thigh against Jan’s was warmer, and the contrast of the freezing cold ice cream on her tongue sent the thrilling sensation of Summer right down to her toes - even though they were only a couple of weeks away from Christmas. She enjoyed the strange divergence. Now that they had all thrown their clothes aside, Jackie rubbed her free hand over Jan’s bare skin, her thighs and hips, and Jan found that she liked the way her fingers observed her faded stretch marks as if they were braille that would tell her a story. They felt safe to touch in their secluded spot on the sand.

Swimming became non-negotiable after Jaida had dared to call them boring. They tentatively dipped their feet into the translucent waves and Jan screeched at the shock of the cold, whining and laughing when Gigi called her a baby as Jackie freely walked into the deeper waters without a care. Jan was being dragged deeper by Nicky and Crystal who took an arm each, and she babbled in a shrill voice about them _not_ getting her hair wet. Turns out, they didn’t care what Jan said and threw her in, making Jackie roar with laughter and pull her up for a kiss that tasted of the freedom the ocean brought.

****

Of the months they had spent together, Jackie had never felt the need to rush to Jan’s rescue. Her girlfriend may have the capacity to be a complete princess but she was fiery, fierce, and most importantly, from New Jersey. When she had a problem with you, her accent got just that little bit stronger and her judgemental gaze could make anyone shrink. Sometimes people were shocked that such a petite, smiley little thing could handle herself in such a way. The first time Jackie had seen it in action, it had been in response to the mutter of “fucking dykes” that was thrown at them on the subway after they had dared to show some affection in a busy carriage.

After standing her ground and not letting up, Jan had pulled Jackie off the train by the hand and kissed her until they were breathless right there on the platform. “Only we get to call ourselves that. And, as a matter of fact, I _love_ being a ‘fucking dyke’ with you.” 

In that moment, Jackie had felt dizzy and exhilarated. It was one of the most romantic things anyone had ever said to her. 

“Jackie? Jacqueline? Anybody home?” Nicky was waving in front of her face, snapping her from her reverie with a wide, toothy grin. Pop music pulsed through Jackie’s veins as she sat at the booth Gigi and Crystal had hooked them up with, but her eyes were trained on Jan who was standing at the bar. 

She let her eyes trail over the bare skin of Jan’s back that was left almost completely exposed by her silver, glittery crop top, but just before she could appreciate the way her denim shorts hugged her ass, a hand stopped her, and her eyes snapped up to see who it belonged to.

 _Ah._ Apparently, they couldn’t even escape straight men in the gay haven of West Hollywood.

The bright lights of the bar showed Jan’s stony expression as she focussed on getting the attention of the bartender, shifting herself away from the man’s insistent touches. The way her eyes rolled dramatically and her lips moved bluntly told Jackie that she was handling it, but when she saw Jan’s head snap around at one of his comments, her jaw tightened and she excused herself from the table.

“Is he bothering you, baby?” Jackie tended to save that particular nickname for when they were in bed and she was taking Jan to pieces bit by bit, but right now she used it to stake her claim.

“Actually, yes.” Jan seemed to ease completely at her voice and contact. Jackie took advantage of their small height difference, coaxing Jan back against her and resting her hand on her hip bone protectively. “I _did say_ that I’m a lesbian with a girlfriend just trying to enjoy herself _in a gay bar._ Like, four times.” Jan’s tone dripped with contempt.

The man held his hands up as if he hadn’t done anything wrong, as if he was being unfairly persecuted, spluttering out angry excuses about how Jan “looked like a straight girl” and how she “was probably a slut anyway” in that sad way all women were familiar with when men couldn’t wrap their minds around rejection. Jackie gritted her teeth ever so slightly and took a singular step forward, her fingertips idly brushing Jan’s thigh as if to say _I’m still here._

“Now, I suggest you leave before you’re kicked out for touching women without their consent. From what I saw, I think I could make that happen very easily.” She had no idea whether she could make this happen, but he seemed to believe her and that was what mattered. Jackie had never been one for confrontation. She was always the diplomatic friend, the one who made points or closed arguments if they got out of hand, but here she was practically squaring up at this man because he made her skin crawl and she wanted to kiss away any trace of his unwelcome touches from Jan’s skin.

Jackie let out a triumphant breath when he stalked off in a sulk, feeling evermore satisfied when it looked like he was heading towards the exit. Triumph, satisfaction and...relief. She knew that it could have ended badly, often telling Jan that sometimes it just wasn’t worth putting yourself in danger, but she couldn’t even hear her own advice in that moment. Maybe she was fueled by the alcohol or the way he dared to speak about Jan in that way, but Jackie thought he was lucky she let him off easy.

“That was hot.” Jan told her, biting her lip and looking at her with a kind of enlightenment in her brown eyes. Jackie felt an overwhelming need to look after her, draping an arm across her shoulders and nosing into her hair as she took over ordering the drinks. Jan preened under the attention and seemed relieved to finally get another vodka in her hand.

Crystal had swayed, drunkenly insisting that she was going to fight the next man she saw once Jackie and Jan had filled the girls in as they stood in the smoking area. Jackie smirked, bemused at the way Crystal dramatically pretended to crack her knuckles in preparation for a fist fight.

“Whoa, slow down there Rocky.” Gigi scoffed, lightly playing with Crystal’s mullet and grinning down at her. “You do realise you’re tiny, right?”

“I have huge, dykey boots that could end any man.” Crystal retorted, stomping her heel on the floor for effect and grinding her heel against the ground.

“Girl, if you see him again, you tell me. Nobody touches one of my babies, especially not a man.” Jaida grimaced, looking around them pointedly as if she could identify the perpetrator.

“Sac à merde-“ Nicky spat, and rolled her eyes back into her head as she flicked the ash from her cigarette. “ _Men.”_

The way they rallied around each other felt magical and this is what made Jackie’s navigation of joining the group so easy. They were an endless source of fierce protection, positive affirmations and gentle consideration. She loved them.

“Ya'll need to relax, it's so fine. Jackie came to my rescue.” For a girl who never needed saving, Jan seemed to be enjoying being a little bit of a damsel in distress tonight and Jackie couldn’t be mad at it. 

Jan was leaning heavily into Jackie’s side, soft and pliant with intoxication and maybe something else too. At some point, Crystal’s friends had joined them in the smoking area, hauling them back inside to have another round of shots and dance the early hours away. Jackie was tipsily trying to keep track of names, but loved their electric company that kept them on a high for the rest of the night. Lux, a petite little thing, even got a few of them dancing on a podium and laughed hysterically when they couldn’t all fit up there at once; the tallest girl, Daya, was teetering off the side of it in her platforms.

Jan had stayed glued to her side for the rest of the night, dancing on her, pulling her into the bathroom for risqué kisses that Jackie reluctantly stopped before they went too far. She’d spent the night murmuring filthy sonnets into Jackie’s ear about the way she felt when she had defended her, the way she’d brazenly staked her claim. Jackie wished she could have written down every word that Jan brushed against her ear under the thumping music so that she’d never forget. Jackie told her so. Their exchanged words became a verbal spar where the only aim was to make the other weak at the knees. Jackie began to list all of the ways in which she could remind Jan that she belonged to her. Swallowing thickly at the husky tone Jackie’s voice had taken, Jan boldly asked if it was a threat or a promise. 

Once the sobering club lights were up, the girls held onto one another for their journey home, hoping the night air would offer healing properties for their hangovers. They had stumbled back to the apartment eating Mcdonald’s, with Jackie feeding Jan fries from the brown paper bag as she clumsily clopped down the road in her heels. 

They watched the sun rise from the roof of the apartment block with Crystal falling asleep against Gigi’s arm. She nudged her when the sky was full of oranges and pinks that exploded in a blur of gentle clouds. It promised a new day - even if it was a hungover day of napping and food - and it promised contentment. All of the girls could feel it. 

****

They had spent the most wonderful five days in LA, and it was their final morning. Jackie woke up to a cup of steaming tea by her side, courtesy of Jan who had woken at the crack of dawn without a chance of getting back to sleep. Their flight left that afternoon and it made Jackie ache to think that this bubble of friendship and adventure was about to be popped. On the other hand, it left her fulfilled to know that it was only a matter of time before they would plan their next trip.

Jan was slowly and quietly packing their things, dressed only in her baby pink underwear that peeked out from underneath an oversized tee shirt. Her hair was in a loose bun with her fair strands escaping messily out of it, and she kept sighing when her glasses would fall down her nose and she had to push them back up. 

“What?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re staring.” A bemused smile crept onto Jan’s face, as if she was trying to understand. Jackie found it utterly ridiculous that anyone could look like _that_ and be confused when someone stared. She was stripped back without layers here and Jackie thought it was beautiful. 

She had something to say, something they had both been skirting around. Jackie loved Jan and she wanted her to know. She beckoned her back to the sofa bed with her index finger. The flimsy mattress - if you could even call it that - creaked under the new weight of Jan crawling back to her. 

Jackie pulled Jan close and engulfed them both in the duvet so that she could tell her.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The little French moments:
> 
> "Jacqueline, vous êtes célibataire?" is "Jacqueline, are you single?"
> 
> And in her response, Jackie calls her 'effronté' which is cheeky.
> 
> "Sac à merde" is "bag of shit", Nicky is an icon the end.
> 
> PS: I really want to write a little one shot of them telling Jaida and Nicky about their relationship and do that moment more justice than a mention! So, in time, that could come.


End file.
